It's Friday again

It was my birthday and I turned five on a Friday August 27 1972 wat, party over here, you would think. But No my mom dropped me off and disappeared on me and left me with a room full of people I don't even know in a place called school....

My first pic I was scared of that big thing that kept on flashing at everyone and you want me to smile no...

A few months later the hamster died and I was blamed, I was afraid of that lil rat looking thing. I remember the day.
I was afraid to touch this little harry thing, and the day it died and they all told the teacher I did it. Lil fuckers, they big fuckers now...

I was so betrayed by my mom my dad and my grandparents for not telling me they weren't coming to school with me and we stay there all day Together and ride that big yellow bus home Together. I soon began to hate to see it coming down the road to my grandparents house to pick me up half dark outside and scary on that big cold bus.

I remember when my brother and cousins would get on the bus and I wanted to get on that big yellow bus and ride all day and go to this place called school and play, what a let down. I hated school up until I quit in the eighth grade. I had already been held back twice.

First time I was held back was in first grade, my cousin and I were in the same grade, she would tell people she didn't know me and would not even talk to me on the play ground. My mom went to the school but I was kept back anyways and then again in the fifth grade and it was embarrassing to be kept back and then more than once, what more was there to learn in that class, I didn't understand why I was kept back in math in the fifth grade, true I was bad at it and even worse at division but once I was done with the extra help to learn divisions I was good at it but I was held back anyways by ms reyonld's. A lot of them white teachers didn't really want to teach us anyways. I remember I was in her class and I was wearing a white button down sheer shirt and she walked to my desk or called me to hers and said you need to wear a bra. It was humiliating because the boy next to me RD, started telling me I need to put on a bra. He was held back that year too, ha ha.

We moved to Covington before I started my next fifth grade year and my mom started me in the seventh grade we lived in Covington for less than a school year for me because we moved back to Monticello and my mom put me in the seventh grade my right grade and I went from there. What was I gonna say hell nawl, I was glad I was in my right grade.

I don't remember what class I was in but a boy in class I didn't even know, I didn't really know anyone because I had been held back moved away and come back in my right grade they were all strange to me except my cousin and she still wouldn't own me it was hurtful, I still don't why she act as if she didn't know me when we were at school.I wanted to be a part of her circle of friends but they want let me in.

 Not sure the day of the week, but a boy in class pointed at me and said she not supposed to be in this grade she was kept back and the other boy asked who and he said Carol and pointed at me again and my face began to get hot and they all started laughing and he said how you know and Imma say his name was Ollie maybe, said Faye said so and later that day I was called into the office where Mr Thompson was to take me back to the sixth grade. I didn't know what to expect but I was scared all the way back to

 Washington Park school.

 I was so disappointed with everything and everyone. I was moved up to the sixth grade before the end of the school year and then I passed to the seventh the next year so I was one year behind but I still quit school in the eighth grade anyways, I hated school.

Alcohol/Yeast/Bread/Me

https://youtu.be/RA3hc4P3qe8

All that yeast and sugar and wheat meet up in strange hot places in the gut and the swelling start immediately and next thing you know you got a Ba'Dooty...As big in da front as da back, belly just as big as da booty, maybe even bigger...

I had to let the bread go

This video showed me why I'm so fluffy, too much yeast...

Our Apple phone

I am a cheapskate by nature, I realized when I was raising five children alone less can be best. But cheap does not constitute great quality. I can go to Goodwill, Salvation army, or a yard sale and find better merchandise than I can in a lot of these stores.

Well those who know me know how cheap I can be and always opt for the cheapsest phone as long as it is not a flip phone, I praise the genius who invented smart phones.

Well, I did something I told my friend girl Kesha and my child Bridgette I would never do and was serious at that moment. I said I would never buy an apple phone simply because they are too expensive and they are. But my last cheap ass phone didn't make it a year so I knew I had to buy a phone and was planning on moving to Consumer Cellular because of the monthly price.

Well I went online to see what kind of offers they had I was surprised to see a page of phones they will finance for you.  And the plan I was offered was not to shabby and this will help with my credit. So, I decided to finance me an Apple 6 plus and I try not to focus on the overall cost just the 25 I pay per month. See people can change a bit.

At any rate my daughter asked me to add her a line and I was like why and I will think about it and you will have to pay at least half and I will consider it then and she was like I'm not giving you half of nothing and some other stuff I heard right before I tuned her out.

Well my child has my phone more than me, gees its just a phone to me mind you a very expensive phone that she can't seem to keep her two year old hands off of, why is my phone with her more than me and her friend texting my phone late last night like its my daughtes just to tell me I'm mean for taking away my phone like they four years old. I texed her right back and said I'm not mean for taking my phone, and she texted back something, not even trying to remember, because I tuned her out too...

My phone is with her now while she go deposit the money into my account so I can get her a phone or add her a line. I want to get the phone and she get it activated elsewhere because it was not in my plans to add another line, she gone have to pay my bill this month because she has had my phone more than me in the short time I have had it, I still don't half ass know how to work my new Apple iPhone 6 plus.

Freedom does not mean free

https://youtu.be/7xL5i3iJpKk

My annual

Yesterday was my annual with my GYN to get swabbed between my cheeks. Not my favorite time of the year but it had been two years and was overdue. Before my swab the NP/C Ms. Caroline did my vital and my weight and she left out the room and came back with my chart and said, Ms Miller let me get your weight again just to be sure and I got back off the table like what now. And I stepped back on the scale and it was still in the two fifty seven range and she said yes it is right in her thick African accent and the she said Ms Miller I am proud of you, you have lost a total of eleven pounds, what have you been doing and I said cut out breads and sweets and she said it is working for you keep it up, I had to double check to be sure and I felt good and pleased as well.

It has not been an easy sacrifice, I love bread and sweets and I couldn't give them up easily, but the sugar was causing heart palpitations and bread constipates me something terrible and neither have any nutritional value at all other than tasting good and I have learned my way around with taste, I have increased my veggies as I go along but its hard when you work all day long a candy bar and a bag of chips along with a egg sandwich was my meal or a tomato and lettuce sandwich with onions and some mayo, that's yummy or a boca burger. I love the veggie burgers at Burger King and the Veggie subs from Subway, but the bread don't seem to like me.

I didn't go cold turkey I have been cutting back for over a year now and I'm finally at a point where if I'm hungry I want go to a slice of bread. I have my moments and the taste for something sweet hits my mouth hard and I try to ignore it and move on to something else. I remember what a dear lady once said. It can't get in your mouth if you don't put it there, but addictions are not that easy, I still have a ways to go and need to cut back on my beer intake but I try not to beat myself down when I over indulge...

Is Bill Cosby guilty

Bill says he didn't drug and rape those women and they say he did. Who do I believe I don't want to believe him because he famous and because he a black man and I can say society has it out for the black man anyway, media has painted a ugly image of black men and I don’t wish to condemn him because he a black man. Or I could say all black men guilty and have done something or I was raped by a black man and all rapist and they want pay child support and they all should be locked away for the rest of their life.

Or I can say this has happened so many times anytime you wanna bring down a black man you get a white woman to yell rape don’t matter the man she a prize to have simply because she a white woman or I can say I don't believe white women because they are all bigots and hate black people anyway, but I can't do that either and I want say they all telling the truth or they all telling a lie, but since we don't really know what happend lets summarise.

I will use me as an example, ok I get a call from a famous man asking me to meet him at a hotel and I show up, A. for a job interview. B. to fuck C. a party.

So far we know we can eliminate A and C so that leaves only B to fuck, I mean I do know if a man asks me, a married man that is ask me to a room a hotel room and when I get there I see alcohol and no one else either imma leave or I know I'm the only guest not to mention the pic of him in his robe.

Now if he had a woman in the motel room with him in his bath robe and he still had to drug her that is creepy. But I need for #BillCosby to tell his side of the story. I want to know if he creepy or if it is a #conspiracy against him. 

You see Hugh Hefner went on and died so he want go to jail. How did all these different women personally know Bill Cosby, did he dial a number and ask send me a young blond or brunette, and because Bill want get on da stand and tell us if they consented to prostution we can't hear both sides, just because you fight a lie don't mean you will win, if you know you not guilty get on the stand and say so...

How can I teach what I can't live...

How can I teach patience and quietness if I'm always rushing others and yelling when I do so, or punishing them for lying when I will tell a fat one myself. I remember this time I was at an event and there was a smoking section and there was a group of men chatting with each other and one of these men began bragging on how he beat his son for not lying for him. What he said was man I messed around and took him with me to my suga's house and when we made it back home his mama asked him was we at this chick's house and he said yes, man I beat the hell outta that ass, I felt bad as hell for his son, man and we wonder why people so MAD, no, no, no Angry is the proper word. Why was this child wit him at his ole lady house in the first place, that;s your son, not your boy, your boy is your son once he a grown man and making his own decisions and not using him as a cover to do wrong, the nerve of him to brag on it and the other men who agreed and said that's what a man supposed to do tho his son...

 This buds for you and good night

Gotta get my fat ass off the couch

Over the past ten years I have gotten lazier and lazier with the passing of each day and my weight is up up and away...

I went to the doctor because of heart palpitations and my weight was two hundred and eighty seven pounds, what the hell. I knew my weight was climbing because of bread, sugar, and beer and I kept drinking and living off carbs until I could no longer comfortably fit into my twenty fours. 

This weight has slowed me down in more ways than one, it affects my knees, my back, how well I can stoop or squat or get up and down or in and out of a chair or on and off the floor. Carrying this much weight was not a problem at first but as time passes it becomes less easy.

Since cutting back on bread and sugar I have lost twenty nine pounds. Pat myself on da back because I could not tell the difference and neither could my fat ass neighbor.

For about a year I stopped drinking beer but continued with the carbs like breads and sweets but because I'm a drunkard and had to feed my addiction I drank more liquor and did not loose any weight. Now that I have cut back on bread and sugar I have been loosing weight, but because liquor can and will make me especially hot and cause bad hot flashes at night I have started back drinking beer because I can drink more by volume unlike liquor. But beer bloats my stomach and makes me pea a lot so I can't wait until winter so I can do more liquor. 

I try and walk for thirty minutes but can't seem to make it a habit and spoke to the doctor about it and he told me I don't have to walk thirty minutes at one time, just get some exercise in because of my sciatic nerve pain. 

There is a hill in front of the house I can walk up and down once in the morning and again at lunch and again in the evening but because of my addiction to alcohol I don't have the energy. And because of depression I just don't seem to care, I mean I do care but I don't. Not to make excuses for my fat ass because I knew I was blowing up like a balloon but I  kept on drinking and eating breads and sugary food until I damn near pass out trying to tie my shoes. I have tried cutting back on the alcohol but it want last long, if only I could do like the Queen and have no more than four drinks a day. Good luck with that...

I have to get motivated and get my fat ass off sim city and da tequila and exercise more. I have noticed when I simply drink less I feel better, but when I feel moody or sad and depressed I drink more and sometimes the side affects or hangover from the alcohol take away all my energy and leave me feeling tired...

Tempest in the storm and my computer

I was awakened from my sleep last night by one of the wickedest storms I have heard in a very long time. My head is right beside the window and it sounded like the rain would beat thru the window and bring the lightening right along with it.

I  just laid there, propped up on my elbow listening and praying and then all of a sudden it was a boom so loud followed by a crash the lights blinked. I snatched the covers over my head and didn't move. I laid there and listened and the lightening popped and the Earth shook and the rain beat on my window and then I laughed at myself because I know the covers can't keep the lightening out, but they can keep me from seeing it. Eventually my breath got hot and my air started running out so I eased from under the covers. Now is when I wish for someone in da bed with me.

I peeked from under my covers and saw the red light on my tv set and I could see a light from outside my window so I peeked out the window and looked in the sky and the lightening was dancing all across the sky, and then a loud boom followed by some snap, crackling and popping, and the whole sky lit up and I closed my curtain quickly and I laid back and listened and waited until Mother nature stopped fussing...

I have been trying to post this all day...

Did my children suffer

After the death of my children my main concern was did they suffer...I used to think I was alone until I met a lady who told me her son drowned and all she could think about was did he suffer...

Sitting on the lap

It is hard dealing with spoiled rotton children, those who are the baby the longest can be the worse, trust me I know, I was the youngest for a while and was jealous of my younger cousins who my Mother held...or showed them affection she no longer showed to me, all that shit can wreck a childs world...helping that child to move forward from most all the attention for quite some time from both grandparents who were very loving and kind can be horrible on that child when they no longer sit on the lap or get to stand and jump in the lap and get those sweet kisses, and all you can do is look, others will look and wonder how lonv before their strong hold to is broken...with loving grands the kindness never ends but the affection does...

Don’t shade me

Don’t you hate when someone will try and cloud your sunny day. I’m up in Wally World wit my neighbor and we looking at some long leg men shorts to wear under her bathing suit bcuz the skit is shorter than what she feel comfortable wearing...so I say I will get me a pair to hopefully I can wear this size bcuz I have lost thirty pounds, she gone look at me real funny and say where I don’t see it, I said don’t be jealous bcuz I have lost some weight. Then she gone say I wonder why people can’t loose them big bellies, he’ll she got one too a badooty...

I wear boy shorts all the time they are comfortable and I get the compression shorts bcuz I love the way they make my legs feel and how they hold me in in certain places. Why did I find myself trying to explain myself to this woman and why I like boy shorts and the fact that I have lost some weight. Why do we allow the opinions of others to cloud our sunny day. I see fat people around me everywhere I look. I love me

Damn its Friday already

When I moved to Atlanta I expected intelligent and  sophisticated women who lived in the apartment complex where I moved. Instead I was faced with backstabbing, trouble making, lying, childish, hateful winches...

Definition of a Winch a cross between a witch and a bitch...

I  expected women with grace and dignity but what I lived was lying and manipulation, constant 911 calls to 12 and the rent office for no reason at all...

As my lack of understanding and anger grew towards these women so did my anxiety. I was constantly under scrutiny not knowing when twelve would show up at my house or a note from the rent office , if this is what is considered a ghetto I was in the middle on the hill fresh from the country a very small town at that.

And lack of education does not determine ones intelligence. With intelligence you will find dignity, understanding kind words not people who make up lies and constantly call the police on people for no reason, because a lie is no reason, its a lie, its not real. But some people will try and make a lie seem real and one lie after another by more than one winch in the building got me and all five of my children called to the rent office to get our last warning before being tossed into the streets. I felt a sense of desperation and I prayed in my mind to Mother Earth and Ms Askew continued to discipline me and my children for what seemed like forever and in the distance of nowhere my prayer was answered and the phone ringed in another office and a few minutes later a woman's voice says we just got another call about 151 Reeves circle and the police officer who stood in the doorway got a call from dispatch and he spoke into his shoulder radio and said go ahead and dispatch says, we just got another call about 151 Reeves circle the caller says she lives at something Reeves circle, she lives in the apartment directly beneath 151 and she says there is so much noise coming from the apartment it soundslike the floor is going to fall in on her...

I looked towards him and said, it can't be me or any of my children we all in the rent office. It got so quiet I could hear breathing. Pure harassment for two whole weeks, them winches never gave me a chance. Ms Askew sat back in her chair and said Ms Miller I got this, I know what they trying to do, you go on back to your apartment I got this. She apologized to me and my children over and over as we left.

Now you would think the winch below me would have stopped but no she had to call the police on me while I was in my dark apartment alone in the middle of a real panic attack with no noise at all when my phone rings and it was her, I'm kinda thankful to that winch for that call becauae that fear left me the hell alone because  now I have a real problem, a winch who want stop picking at me, who is this woman I have never met before moving to Atlanta three long weeks ago...

When I answered the phone it was her my neighbor the one who called twelve the slut in the apartment directly beneath me, now this bitch is calling me, but why. That slut might have worked as a security guard at night somewhere, I'm not sure I never got a chance to know her because once I found out she was one of the many women making up shit in me, I decided not to have anything at all to do with that ho, she was a done deal...at any rate I answered the phone and it was that winch who live under me telling me my tv was to loud and she went on to say we were keeping up to much noise and she was about to call the police because we were keeping her from her sleep. I tried explaining it wasn't me and she refused to hear me and I ended the phone call with a fine do what you have to and I hung up my phone and dialed nine one one and told dispatch everything that had happened, I felt so desperate I told her how long I had lived there and how many times the police had been called on me and then I told her about the call while we were all in the rent office and I hung up the phone and waited not sure what would happen but I waited and soon there was a knock at my door and I peeked thru the peek hole and there was an officer, I took a deep breath and opened the door and he stepped inside and I told him everything and he said I stood outside and listened and there was no noise coming from your apartment there is noise coming from another unit...he them said let me go downstairs and talk to her, I felt a little bit better but was not sure what she would tell him and what he would believe. So I paced back and forth waiting on him and then I walked out onto the balcony trying to listen but I couldn't hear anything from her apartment. It was dusk dark and not a lot of people in the back of the building just a few children running and playing, all the activities go on in the front of the circle.

I went back inside and waited and wondered would I get an eviction notice this time would he believe her lies and go to the rent office to leave another complaint. As I paced there was a knock at my door and I opened the door and the officer walked in and he said would you like to press charges against her and I said no sir I just want to live here in peace and he said if you don't press charges I can't help you because what she is asking me to do is unrealistic and I can't help you if you don't press charges. And I said no sir, I don't want to press charges and he says theres nothing else I can do I did talk to her and told her she better not call you anymore because what she is doing is harassing you and I can't help unless you press charges and I said no sir and he said good luck and left.

And all seemed well but about a week or so later and all my children were home and were all somewhere else, some may have been at Ms Kesha and some outside in back, but I was in the house alone and there was a knock on my door and who should appear, the winch from the floor under me. I said yes, how may I help you, and she said I worked last night and I'm tired and all I can hear is your tv real loud and children playing and I said Bitch if you don't get the hell away from my gotdamn muther fucking door telling lies and shit and she took off back down the steps, I said bitch don't ever knock on my got damn door again with that bullshit my children  outside you lying bitch and I heard her door slam and I slammed my door and I must say I finally felt a little bit better but would you believe that winch tried hugging me one day at her sons graduation...noooo bitch we need to address the bullshit you put me thru then we might can embrace wit a hug but me reward bad behaviour wit a hug, NOT...

wonton wrappers

https://www.curiouscuisiniere.com/wonton-wrappers/

Relatives not always Family

When I was a child I couldn’t wait to see my cousins it didn’t matter so much the name calling or the fights I was always glad to see them even if they didn’t make me feel the same way...

Somewhere beyond adulthood and right before life set in I began to pull away from them as I learned what real love is, and when life punched me the hardest and knocked all the wind out of me is when I felt most betrayed by them... 
◦

Kaarii was out of time out

I  let her out for a split secound and you see where she went, right back to my flowers...Next time she going in da house..

JJJ can't wait to get down and play in da dirt...

Kaarii out of time out

Hopefully she will get the message and will stop picking at my plants, its hard enough keeping the bugs from eating them up now here she some ripping off limbs and eating the soil...(smdh) at'er...if you not a southerner "ater" means at her..."at'im means at him...u know liek databoy, that a boy...and by now you all is universal...yall guess what...tired of trying, I know I love instant too...I had to pause so I could put Kaarii back in da bouncer she eating at my plants again...

Kaarii in time out

she want stop eating the soil from my plants so she has to stay in da bouncer for a while...Kemonz just chillin as usual

Kaarii N Kemonz sittin N da sun

My addiction legal yours not

The difference between crack and lortab is the FDA...why some addictions legal and get real help and some are locked away becausa they are illegal...can some explain to me in a way i can understand why cannibals illegal anyway...legalize pot all over the place...throw your seeds out to help fertilize the soil and help pollination.

Me my fat and I

I  know I’m no longer easy on da eyes, I’m fat and ugly...I have what is called a ba’doody aka a big belly and booty I fall into that category and I’m wide as all out doors with big thighs and cellulite for days no wonder my ex husband cheated on me I told myself that plenty of times. And atop that is a gray head with no real teeth of my own not to mention the deep dark circles that surround my eyes and not to mention the saggy breasts I need a sling to hold up not to mention my bad back and weak knees . I have so many ifs anns and butts no wonder I can’t find a special lover and no not sex, he has to be so much more than just sex...

He have to be willing to love me for this half baked of a brain I have left and not that tight twenty year old body that’s gone unless he want to pay for me to get it back...

It’s a terrific Tuesday inspite of my 50 shades of crazy

This is a pic from the top of look out mountain in Tennessee, the fear I felt as that train neared the top was overwhelming but I breathed slowly and prayed for peace in the middle of my fears so I could enjoy the view...

I’m at the eye doctor with a friend of mines who lives across the street from me, she is an islander. Her accent is thick and some days she is full of words and the stories she tells can keep me hanging on waiting for the next word. Then some days she barely talks but I get it, I don’t feel like talking all the time sometimes I just wanna sit and be surrounded with nothing but quietness and listen to my own crazy thoughts.

There was a time when my own thoughts would frighten me but not as much any more. I stopped associating myself with these strange thoughts that speed thru my head. A now what I do is try and write it all down until I’m on E and the thoughts no longer affect me in a negative way. There was a time when I would try hard to change my thoughts so I want get anxious or panicky so what I try and do is let the words flow and try hard not to allow them to scare me into thinking something bad is about to happen. I try hard to let the thoughts flow so I can get them outta my pea brain so I can move on to the next crazy thought in my head..   

Live each day as if it is my last one

I want to live my life with no worry about what I don't have or have not done...but to live each day as if it were my last one...

Monday Madness Inflation

Well it's official I'm on vacation with no where to go, well there are lots of places I can go I just don't have my car yet. A vacation with no damn money how in the hell shit like this happen, this not a real vacation this just some time off, same ole shit just another day. Work all year long just to give away all my money to that bitch "INFLATION"...I am sick to my stomach because of this greedy bitch. Her ole ass been around for so many years causing problems and no one has a problem with her but me, she big as hell and keeps right on growing how can we deflate her big ass and get back the 1930 prices so all Americans can afford a house?

Why is wood so much more expensive today than it was in 1930 "INFLATION", she can't seem to get enough, why is a car like a trip to the moon, "INFLATION" she can't be stopped, why is a tooth extraction more than a trip to the moon and don't let it be that wisdom tooth, it will cost you a trip back from the moon, not to mention car repairs, and doctors visits and meds and OH can someone anyone please tell me how can the eyes and the mouth not be covered in health insurance, it should be one plan because we are one body, I shake my head to the master mind who came up with that and the genius who allowed it.

When will we realize we not free we just going thru the motion of freedom, anytime a person can set you off your own land for not paying taxes you not the owner of that land it belongs to "INFLATION" with her greedy ass..  

Sunday breakfast

I have suffered with heart palpitations for years and have been to more than one cardiologist and numerous doctors not to mention the trips to the ER. I was told I was premenopausal, along with stress, anxiety, panic attacks, and  caffeine sensitivity to name a few and yeah lose some weight.

I have been trying hard to get rid of this big ass belly and thights that rub together without starving myself and walking twenty mile a day so I cut back on sugar and carbs. Since  cutting back no palpations. But from time to time I will have a palpation and it can last for hours, all of a sudden from out of no where palpitations and I couldn't understand why, I blamed them on stress and holding things inside and menopause and no sex, I thought lack of testerone from a man might be a contributing factor.

About two months ago I associated the palpations with sugar. I had a reese cup and ate both side at the same time, its like a reward for good eating habits and from no where the palpations started. So I waited about two weeks and deliberately had some sugar to see what would happen and shortly after having some cake the palpations started.

So this morning I am having some french toast with home made toppings made with sugar not a lot of sugar but enough to know its there because the strawberries were tart like lemons...

Serene Sunday

I have had trouble sleeping at night far back as I can remember unless I get juiced up and burn me a fat one then I can sleep like a baby next to mom no bad dreams and I don't have any problems dozing back off to sleep when I get up to use the restroom ...

Last night was one of those nights I was restless as hell I didn't drink as much before bed because I start drinking to early in the day and I will get sick in my stomach if I drink to much.  Well yesterday was one of those days I was up around five and drinking before eight. I spent the whole day cleaning and drinking and toking so I want have to much to do while I'm on vacation. So close to bedtime I had stopped drinking alcohol all together just taking a toke from here to there. I try to stay up until around nine or ten at night. Last night it was around nine when I went to bed boared with nothing to do somewhere around twelve I woke to use the restroom, but I can't even go back to sleep because suddenly the bed is hard as a rock and my sciatia on my right side started to beat my ass and the pain radiates down my hip, thigh, and leg. I toss and turn on this hard ass small bed suddenly this hard ass bed became even harder and I couldn't find a soft spot anywhere in this damn hard ass tiny ass bed.

A while back I wanted to give my room more space so I decided to purchase a daybed so I did,  horrible mistake and listening to the sales person who told me the harder the mattress the better on the back and if you purchase this bed I will throw in the mattress. Hell yeah I will buy it I later found out the mattress was included as a package. I should have got the one that was more comfortable for me but I'm a cheap skate and a penny pincher. But any ways I miss my queen size bed and the fact when it was uncomfortably on the right side of the bed I could get to the foot of the bed or the left side, but not now, and now I feel it everynight and day. I didn't have a pinched nerve until I started sleeping on this hard ass mattress. Hopefully I can invest in another mattress later on and not continue to punish my mind and body, but right now I don't have the funds to get another mattress...

I wresteled with this mattress how long I don't know and since I refuse to drink and toke past my bedtime I wrestled so more until I dozed off only to be rudely awaken about two am to some hard thumping, I know the song just can't remember it right now but the music was so loud the walls vibrated a little. I lay here thinking to myself that after this song go off they will turn the volume down but NO. My daughter and her boys who were up at the time were in full party mode and her ole man and my other daughters ole man and a brother were in front of the tv playing a game so I stood waiting to make eye contact with my daughter. I stood in the kitchen looking at her and the children dancing and having fun, I love when they have fun but does it have to be so late. Eventually she twirled my way with the baby on her hip and she seen me looking and she started to laugh because she knew it was loud. She just laughed, I know its loud but I will turn it down a bit I will turn it off when I go pick Coco up. I said yall having a party and didn't invite me.

She turned the volumn down a tiny bit, not much but the walls did stop vibrating. I love living with my children, but I have never lived on my own and my plans are to get my own place, all my children are eighteen and over. The one left in school moved with his dad when I had to move. So I have been living with my daughter, she gave us until January to move out. I have so much going on right now, soon after we moved here in June the engine went out on my car and its going to be costly to repair. I have kept a home and a car for years suddely I don't have either and I feel so vulnerable as a result and can't wait to get my car fixed. I always say if I got a way to ride I have a place to sleep. I have a place to sleep but it's not my own. I will get my car back one day, but not soon.

I'm  trying hard not to make up my bed, I have to have a clean room and a made bed, I make it as soon as I get out of it in the morning...

Good vs Bad words

Have you ever wondered why shit stank and feces don't, why fucking bad but sex good, why damn bad but it hold water back why ass fat but butt is cute y'all see where I'm going with this word thang, why African American acceptable and Nigger bleeped out?????

Help!!!

Sizzlin Saturday

Well I lied, I have been busy since the crack of dawn trying to clean so I want have anything to do next week...

Much needed vacation

I finally got a vacation and have no money or wheels to do something other than sit up in my room and clean house for nine days with no got damn pay...POWER to sit up in dis bitch and do nothing...no work that is...I would love a room downtown Colorado...I can see myself riding down the interstate listening to some oldies but goodies with the top back off in my Jeep Wrangler not sure the color but its a four door and the sun is staring me in my face as I drive towards Colorado to sample the taste of legal bud...

Finally Friday the start of my vacation

I have nine planned days off for my vacation, mind you I don't have any money to do anything I would like to do and my fucking car in da got damn shop again and I just paid a fucking shop two thousand dollars for an engine last year and now here I am staring down the barrel of two thousand plus more just to get another engine because the last one was used and I only had a six month warranty. When I called the man and tell him my car was running hot he just said yeah and that was it. I really want to keep my car in spite of what others may say. I have invested in a lot of new things on this old car, but it's mine and in a few more years it will be a classic, and with the engine I am paying on I get a three year warranty with it and that's what I want, I can't get a three year warranty with most used cars. And if I can find a place that will give me such a warranty it will cost me far more in the long run than what I am paying for the engine to be replaced in my Pearl so don't tell me I'm better off getting a new car.

We throw away more stuff on this planet just to make room to buy more stuff to throw it away, some with the tags still attached, good stuff but of no value to the person who no longer wants it. Some have it so easy and don't even know it, it's a crisis if they see someone wearing the same outfit. We could all dress in black and stand beside each other and we would still look different.

I started this blog as a form of expression for myself to help me deal with the depression of life and the events that have taken place, like when I was two and I know I was two because I asked my mom about it and she said to me, you remember that and I said yes, she said that's when we lived behind the saw mill in Farrar.

I was born in sixty six and mama says I was two years when I all started so I will say it all began in nineteen sixty eight. I remember waking up one night in a big ass bed all by myself and no one was around me and the room was black dark. How dare they, I started crying immediately and sat up, and there out the window I can see a shadow a huge monster like thing with really long arms and a whole lot of long fingers at my window trying to get in to get me. And now all of a sudden worms are crawling from under my pillow and I started crying and screaming even louder and no one comes and no one says anything, where the hell is my mama. So I sat to the very edge of the bed away from the worms and I cried and cried towards the door afraid to get out the bed and make a run because the long armed monster will get me and suddenly my mom yelled go to sleep. Whew I am not alone.

I cried and yelled the worms the worms gone get me, and outside my window the shadow was trying to get in and then a shadow raced across my floor and I SCREAMED even louder and no one came, damn they all laid up in bed together, my brother in is room laughing and saying the monster gone get you. And I lay in that dark ass room in complete fear and no one came all they had to do was come in the room and get in the bed with me and stay there but no, instead they take me to the doctor where he tells my mom I had a small mental problem (you think) because she told him there was other people on both sides of the family who were as she put it, crazy.

I was give some kind of liquid to drink at night before bed, slept like a baby until the medicine ran out and my folks didn't take me back to the doctor for anymore, I was left in that dark room to cry many nights until I feel off to sleep. All they had to do was come in the got damn room and say, look a here lil girl all that thing outside the window is, is a tree and the long things are the limbs and that is just the shadow of the pillow you see under the pillow and that little thing on the floor is just a rat and I might have been cool with being kicked out of my parents bed but NO they laid in that room and pretended they didn't hear me.

I'm fifty two now and I understand what was happening then, but in the mind of a child nothing makes sense, they can't rationalize like adults and why do we have to put them so far away from us at such a young age. Fresh out the mothers womb and away from her warm body at night to sleep alone and not covered by her presence.

I could't do it, allow my babies to sleep alone in a crib, they had to be close to me so I can feel them to make sure they were alright all night long. The nurses at the hospital would not advise it one even told me it was against the hospital rules, I put him in the bed with me anyway, he my baby, I have to make sure he alright, I had to feel them close to me to know they were alright, and they were alright while they were close to me. And when they were past one I put them in a bed in the room with me close to my bed and they slept all night and so did I.

It's Friday and I hope you a blessed and wonderful day and a grand week-end

Terrific Thursday

I laugh at myself when I say terrific Thursday because in the back of my mind I worry something will go terribly wrong and then I pray and hope nothing  bad will happen to me or my loved ones. Then I take a deep breath and try to prepare myself for whatever may come...power to deal with it in a positive  way, power not to lose my head...once I'm on my job and dealing with others I'm  not as worried but  thoughts constantly run thru my mind that something  bad will pop off...

BFFMHA.com

I no longer desire living in a cocoon of depression, guilt, shame, anxiety, fear and all the above...I have a hard time talking freely right there in front of folks, but this is much easier for me, in a way I'm still hidden because of a fear, but I still like helping others and knowing I am not alone is important I don't fell so isolated and alone...please feel free to talk about their battle with mental illness, my 50 shades of crazy I like to call it. I want to transform into a butterfly where I can start back enjoying my life and all the life surrounding me, the world is so beautiful to me she is the most beautiful natural thing I have ever seen...the pictures I see from around her can be so amazing to look at and the colors, I can get lost just looking at the roads and wondering what does it feel like there. And I can see myself there and I feel safe and calm. That's what I want to feel when I walk out my door and down the street safe, but you must be dreaming and I do a whole lot of day dreaming always have...


So hopefully I will be consistent with this and log in and vent daily...

cWm

bffmha.com

BFFMHA.com

I would like to thank John who works at Google, he was so patient and helpful and friendly all while helping me to create my webpage so I can Blog. I have been trying to blog for years, but I had no clue what I should Blog about, I just felt it would be helpful to me. I have many reasons to blog just don't know what to blog about and because of that I didn't know what direction I should take with my blogging and because my mind can be like the wind and go in so many directions I had no clue what to Blog about, and then it just seemed to fall in place, MY LIFE and all it takes just to make it, all the crooks and turns...I want to over come depression and I want to share my experiences in life with other and hopefully be the wind beneath the wings of another butterfly.

But what I do with my vision is left up to me, I need to become more dedicated to myself me and I, just a bit more than usual like being more honest about who I am and my inner feelings and thoughts and not trying to hide out because FAT and CRAZY is supposed to be unacceptable...I plan to do me and you do you, just don't hurt others...