My sleep aide

When I was on an anti-depressant I felt nothing at all, I was emotionless. Sex was not even the same I could no longer reach an orgasm nor produce tears, I felt completely emotionless, no feelings but my mind was still on what happened to my son, something so deep as that only left me with a big ass question mark and who the fuck cares. No one wanted to talk about my son no one seemed to care about him, just the fact it is God's will. Well I can't wait to meet God even though I read somewhere I can't even ask who killed my son and why did you not come help me when I needed you most and why you want even give me so much as some kind of sign that it was all in your control, not even a dream or a vision from God telling me he got it all in control, even when he has all power in his hands.

At any rate my mind has been known to drift to the left, I can't keep a conversation on track because I will shift to either what I have lived or read or heard or seen and my mind will shift in the middle of a conversation, that may be the deeper thoughts in the relationship, I like to talk with people who like talking beyond the surface and including their feelings into a conversation. If we don't include our real feelings we not being honest with oneself, I can't think the perfect lie, the perfect excuse and it's just there in my mind just a notion of what I should say or do, but if I tell mama I didn't go to the party last night while she was sleep and was on a dirt road with my legs in the air and she find out otherwise the beating she put on me for leaving home in the middle of the night while she sleep and then lying about it and having sex and with a married man. Oh did find out because of them lying ass cousins I had, and the beating she put on me on made me allow him to pick me up at night. I would stand in the door and wait for him to drive past the house and turn around past the bridge and drive back up the road and I run out the front door, and get in his car and we drive about five miles to a dirt road and have sex and he would drop me back off and I would go inside as if nothing has happened.

You see how I get mislead by my thoughts and can't keep on track because I feel guilty about this sex encounter, that's all it was just sex and nothing else, I was young and all of us were doing the same thing, but he was my cousin and I didn't know it and they all did and refused to tell me, I had to find out thru my uncle, females can be nasty stank ass Suma Bii'Ches and so can I.

But when I want to sleep at night I drink and smoke as with all substance there is a side affect, and too much of anything is not good or so I have been told, and believe they ass when I have too much to drink. Too much alcohol tires me out and causes me to feel sluggish and tired and sleepy and lazy, but it helps me to sleep and if I have some weed with it, I sleep like a baby. Weed gives me a cough, that is the only side affect it has, other than cotton mouth, it has a secret effect to help you tune others the fuck out and hear yourself more clearly making you a very good listener, you know.

Pot helps me to sleep, concentrate and feel refreshed, but I'm hooked on alcohol and want to cut back, but if I don't drink alcohol along with the weed I don't sleep. I need someone in the bed or the room to help me feel more comfortable. When I was in a relationship and someone was in the room with me at night I felt more comfortable and it was easier for me to fall asleep.