Be true to you

For years I hated the color of my skin when all I wanted to do was fit in and be loved for who I am and not a color. 

As far back as I can remember I was taught to hate me, myself and I because of how I looked and not because of anything I had done that deserved to be hated for. Mind you I am no angel, I have slept around with married men and I have told a whole lot of lies and some more shit, and may have been hateful as hell for all I remember, but nothing that could not be forgiven. As a child I was called so many yella names it’s pathetic. so many times I began to hate myself and wish I was dark skinned so I could be accepted. 

My aunts labeled me as ole drunk white man baby my mom called me everything but my given name, gyp bitch was my name and so many more undesirable names I was called by my mom and when she was really upset she would tell me I want shit, want gone ever be shit and would never amount to shit and no man in his right mind would ever want me. I was a whore before I knew what one was and wondered if I was supposed to live up to her expectations of me. 

I could not wait to leave home just so I could get away from my mom, I knew in my heart my mom hated me because she once told me I was the biggest mistake she ever made, because she was married to daddy but I was fathered by another man, she lied to me until I was grown and my real daddy brother made her tell me the truth. 

When I was in my thirties I asked my mom why was she so mean to me and why she beat me so much and she said I did not and I reminded her of the time she told us if we didn't run she would shoot us and she said I was just playing and then she said it was all I know to do, that is how we were raised and I finally felt like I could talk to my mom and we began to communicate with each other like friends and I began to forgive her for some of the terrible names she called me and the beatings that left scars around my legs and up and down my back, when she was upset. So I pressed my luck and asked her why she wouldn't tell me the truth about my real daddy and she took a can of bull and opened it and said you want to know about your daddy and I said yes and she said I got you in the backseat of a thirty two or thirty six Chevrolet and I didn't want to know anymore of the details. 

For years I have hated me because I felt I was never good enough so I found myself trying hard to please others who have made some of the same mistakes as I have so, maybe, they would like me and as a result I have dieted my whole life and I feel uncomfortable around people all while trying to feel accepted by others or fit in. I always heard how wide my hips were or how big my hips were and it gave me a complex. I remember being in the sixth grade and Ms Norwood was the PE teacher, I love you Phyllis, she was real, I know because I have went to her in adulthood and she did just what she said she was going to do, she was there to help, with that same beautiful smile as she had when I was in the sixth grade. She told me, I wish I had your shape, you look good she said it with a warm smile and somehow I felt she was sincere, but in the back of my mind I could not believe her because all I could hear was the negative words from others like Ms Smith my other sixth grade teach or Ms Freeman, both black but very hateful towards me.

I hated school with a passion from day one and would have quit long before eighth grade if my mom had allowed me, I was held back twice in school, so if I had been in the right grade I would have made it to the tenth grade, I did get my GED and went to college, I had to drop out because I flunked out and lost my hope scholarship and was told by my English teacher she did not want to pass me because my writing was very bad but she would give me a seventy anyway, whew, I managed another semester and flunked out in Microsoft word, I know I did all my assignments and took all my tests, my teacher said I didn't complete my finals and I know I did, I even printed them off. I tried on many occasions to meet with him, but he would never show up and I was told if I wanted to stay in school I would have to pay out of pocket, dream lost. 

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I’m trying hard to accept myself, regardless of how you may see me I love me and I want allow others to make me feel bad, I will speak my peace and keep it moving and if you make me feel bad one time too many I will distance myself from that person, because I matter to me, people will use the name God to try and make you feel inferior to them, reality is they know no more about God, Jesus, Mary or Jo Jo than I do and will find out the same as I will when we dead and if he real then I will know, but I want be able to come back and say God is real because when you really dead there is no coming back.

Even though I'm fifty two I still want to be accepted by others the way I come to them, not based on my cover and if a person gives me to much grief I will cut them off, I don't need the aggravation of being judged constantly by people who no better than me, we all have skin, no one I know is made from leather, or have feathers unless you a chicken, but as humans we know each other but due to prejudice we are not willing to accept others just as they are all while proclaiming the love of a God and how well we know Jesus, how do you know Jesus, I don't, when did you meet him, the bible states Jesus is in heaven and the only way you will meet him and his father is in death.

I wanted to be liked by others, but the more I try to fit in the more others will give to me to do to try and fit into what they call perfect all while they have their fingers crossed while telling a lie. I love me like I am and if you can’t accept me for who I am stay away from me and keep your comments to yourself and keep the ten commandments thyself because I’m not a child anymore and don't have to be told over and over how wrong I am, if the bible right God got all non believers on the roll just like he do those who kill in his name, just because you kill in his name means he will forgive you, hell is the final frontier and from what I read he searched the world over and found none worthy to sit on his throne so tell me how do you know even after you beg for forgiveness you will still enter into heaven, thou shall not kill being his first commandment and yet others killed in his name not knowing if he really real, because the bible was written by a man who wanted power over others. 

When I was a child I spoke as one now that I’m a woman I will speak as one, and don't use that age thing as your excuse, I get so frustrated with people who are older than someone and think that gives them the right to hurt someone else feelings just because they are older. I remember when I was newly saved and thought it was my job to correct other, there was this beautiful young lady dressed to kill in her beautiful suit, her shorts were up above her thighs and I was told we should not wear our shorts that short and I told her they were too short and I have regretted it every since, and have wished I could apologize to her but I have not seen her since that day and I hope she is still as flawless as she was that day and I have learned not to care if I see someone naked running across the street not to be the one to tell them they need on clothes, I don't have to look. 

Don’t allow others to make you feel less than, you are one hundred and they know it. You may be a tad bit bigger than others, or shaded differently than others, your hair may not be like others, your eyes may not shine like diamonds, your teeth may not sparkle, your nose may be different than others, you may have your own walk and your own style, but that’s your swagger and that’s what make you unique, hold onto you and know how to define you so no matter how others try and consume you, you can stay true to yourself because you have to live with your decisions not others. Others may be affected by your decisions in a negative way and will live for the day they can get away from you and never see you again, I hope I don't leave that mark on anyone. . 

Trust and believe those who throw the most rocks have serious psychological problems within, they are fighting self and making you the victim. Speak your peace and keep it moving, if you speak on their level they will understand but if you say I know what you going thru and I will keep you lifted up in my prayers and say have a blessed day, your kindness, they want understand, because they may not know kindness coming from where they live, I had my grandmother who had nothing but love for me, and then there was my grandpa and my daddy and Ms Norwood and Ms Anderson and her mother Mrs. Roberta Brown, she was one of my angels, she always kissed me right on my lips and told me how much she loved me and all my children and Ms Annie Norwood, I remember when my son was killed, Ms Norwood walked to that doctors office where I worked and what she told me about my son let me know she had nothing but love for me and him. 

For years I was harassed by a woman who had children with the same man as me. At first I would argue with her and then I met Mother Braswell she was a real woman of love, she really helped me to deal with Bunny Sue indirectly, so each time  would call me to wish death upon my ill daughter I would tell her Bunny Sue I’m praying for you have a blessed day and she said you stupid, I cussed you out and that’s all you gone say to me you crazy bitch and I hung up the phone. When my daughter died she called me on the phone and said I’m sorry your daughter died and I don’t remember much of what that winch said after that. I don’t think I ever forgave her for how she harassed me and my mom but I stopped dwelling there and realized she had more psychological issues than I did but forget no, and she never said forgive me for all the times she wished death upon my sick baby so “FUCK”her.

There is this lady I came to know and I thought she was a real woman until she kept crossing her fingers each time she told a lie when she swore to me she was not a liar. Do crossing your fingers make a lie not a lie, I don't get that a lie is a lie, crossed fingers or not. I saw red flags then but proceeded with caution, I have realized I can be a bit too trusting, I believe in people until they give me reason not to. This lady is very rude and told me if a person want believe in God she want have anything to do with them and some more things and then I said but what if they are kind and caring towards you and will do anything they can to try and help you, the bible says we entertain angels and may not know it. And she did not respond and I kept it moving and she changed the subject. I'm not calling anyone I know an angel, but how do I know, I consider all people to be angles, some good and some bad, if one an angel we all angels, just because a person does not share your beliefs does not mean they are bad and should be condemned to death the way followers of God will do to others, most all things done in the bible are done in the name of God not by God, but by those who follow after what he says was right, if it wrong now it was wrong then, thou shalt not kill. 

Why did God need if he got all powers, the bible is so misleading, the laws were written as to how our people were expected to live. And if you did not do as you were told I can only imagine what was hell, this lake of fire they were throwing people in, maybe it was a live volcano because they were so ruthless, look at how the Pharaoh drowned all baby boys. So many use the name of a God who was ruthless and will give him all the credit for their own hard work or the work of others not even knowing if God is real or not. God did this or God did that, it was written what he expected of us as a dark skinned nation and the Bible tells a story of what happened years ago to our people if they didn’t allow him to rule, I come upon you as a thief in the night and while villages were lost, whole nations were genocide and only the virgins were allowed to live and we still don't get it, we were not allowed in the castles and churches and schools, but we had to build them and the slaves of the bible knew where they stood with the mighty men of the bible, because all those who dare to stand and fight were killed just to rule their regions. 

The men who chose to fight were killed and those who were captured had to live in stalls with the animals and in the mud with the swine as they build these kingdoms on their backs and were whipped down by these savage men who called their selves Kings and Gods, and Lords and Bishops and Overseers and they all had to be paid and they all wanted their cut and we were the chosen ones, the ones who were called animals and forced to sleep in barns when all our people had was taken away and yet we still serve them to this today and worship the ways that caused us oppression in the first place. 

It's time for us the forgotten, the poor and depressed to have our own network stations and broadcast stations and banks and houses and love and help for each other and live modestly making sure we all have everything we need, it's more Earth than anything and land and all the water we want, but we still chose to live stacked on top of each other because we afraid of peace and quietness, is my desire to live separate but equal from all forms of government in peace and harmony with all others because no matter what some people hear from a black person they will not believe it if it don't come from a white person, talking about clueless. No matter how well spoken or highly educated a black person may be, many want believe it unless it comes from the mouth of a white skinned person. But we all should know peace and security no matter where we come from and the bible took all security away because no one person can speak for everyone and should not even try, speak for self and let those who want to fight for no reason, let them fight alone. 

Many blacks are still in Genesis with scales covering their eyes blaming Eve for eating an apple, because if they were to read the bible for self they would soon began to see what Eve must have saw, food and she ate because she was hungry and cold and why was she naked anyway,  and so many more things I find to be a bit disturbing, I don't want to go to heaven because the bible says we will be servants always, nope not for me, I want to serve myself and you do you, God was a lazy and selfish man who used others to have his way, and when I look at society today, we have been trained to do the same thing to each other and many still do it in the name of God and expect forgiveness for all the heartless things that are done to each other in the name of a God that is not here. The bible teaches me if my ancestors did not do what God said all their rights were taken away and they were treated worse than animals and they were beaten unmercifully some unto death and nothing was done, verse after verse of innocent people being trampled in the mud, slaughtered in the streets and in their homes, all this was not done to only blacks and browns, it was done to anyone who would not bow down before God or in the name of God.

I want share my beliefs with too many for fear of what they will do to me or my loved ones in the name of God and it is all in their head. Go to the hospital talking about God told you to do this or that and they will call you a schizophrenic because clearly you are hearing voices, clueless as I am, I do know the voices in my head are my own thoughts. The belief of such a power as a god had made many delusional and these people will kill in the name of something they have no clue even exist and they are locked away because they really do believe what they are saying. 

I have been in a mental institution and it was not a stay at the Ritz Carlton, it was scary for me, quite a few people are really locked away in their own head because of so many different reasons, some have been abused and some delusional and me it was the realization my son was really gone and I would never ever, ever see him again. I really blamed myself when I began to accept he was gone and there was nothing that could bring him back, not God, not Jesus and not Lazarus, no doctors no psychic and no one it hit me hard and the tears would not stop coming and I wanted to die and it would all be done and over with. But death didn't come and I was afraid I would take a bottle of sleeping pills and not die so I threw them away and I wanted to turn the steering wheel loose one day when I was coming home from counseling I was feeling like the only way out of my pain and misery was death and nothing else and for some odd reason or another like maybe fear and the thought of my children who I love and then I was afraid I would go to hell and not see my son again so I decided not to kill myself, I would try and keep on living so maybe one day I will know who killed my child. It has been so long I'm beginning to think I may never know, but I try not to lose hope and belief that one day his death will no longer be a mystery to me and I realized my life is worth living. It was at this point I really dove into the bible trying to find out what I was doing wrong, why did God hate me so much that my life was falling apart and the more I read and tried to find a way to be what he wanted me to be, the less and less I believed in a God until finally one day I woke up and knew in my heart God was not real and I fell back in my bed and began to cry and I quit my job that day and waited on the social worker to come to my house again because my ex-husband was sending them to my every week and I was afraid of loosing my children and never seeing them again. 

I get side tracked so easily, I need to take some of my meds, THC keeps my mind from running all over the place, many people can't wrap their mind around what helps me, while standing in line waiting to see their drug dealer, try and stop judging folks, live and let live, accept others like they are.