Is much safer in my mind than anywhere on the planet, but why is it my own thoughts can frighten me...
I can be sitting still watching TV, listening to the radio, hear a siren or hear a gun shot and all of a sudden my heart start racing and I began to get lightheaded and my mouth tingles and I feel like I'm dreaming, and I can't focus on nothing else but something bad has happened to one of my loved ones or something bad is about to happen to me and this can last for hours on end and when I finally catch my breath I'm usually tired and sleepy and can't eat or sleep, but I want to go to sleep, but I can't because I'm afraid something bad is still going to happen even thought I have calmed down.
For years this was what I had to endure and this can last all day long if you have no one at all to talk to or rely on. And most times I kept them to myself, I was afraid of what people would think of me, I was afraid everyone would find out I was crazy. I have finally come to accept the fact I'm crazy ass hell, who gives a fuck anyways, I do care because I don't wanna have panic attacks anymore, but I had one the other day and it was not pleasant but it did not last all day long and I was not as tired and drained after it finally went away. Talking about a demon on my shoulder and a devil in my ear.
I like the way weed relaxes me, but when I was drugged by a group of men that comfort level was taken away, it was like I lost my sleep aid yet I like to smoke and remember once I heard the best way to overcome the fear is to hit it head on and that's what I did with weed, I started back to smoking as soon as I got out the hospital and it made me even more paranoid, I was afraid I was gonna end up in the hospital, tied to a bed, naked and with no clue of what happened.
Weed helps me to relax and meditate on the things that are causing the panic to happen, so instead of being afraid of my thoughts I see them thru and let them go wherever they want to and then I try and write it all down and I let my mind flow, I try not to stop in fear and my biggest fear was realization. After being drugged, I was afraid nothing was real and I was really dreaming because I was in a coma and this caused me panic attack after panic attack. When I get those thoughts I have to explain them away, example, I will tell myself if I was dreaming I would be able to pull my dead loved one back or into the room with me and would never have to leave out and would never pee on myself and would never feel hunger and things like that and I want have to go to work and why would I have to pay all that money for bills, I explain the notion I'm dreaming away.
I'm better today than I was yesterday and if I live to see tomorrow I hope things will continue to improve, not just for me but for all humanity even the soulless.
I can be sitting still watching TV, listening to the radio, hear a siren or hear a gun shot and all of a sudden my heart start racing and I began to get lightheaded and my mouth tingles and I feel like I'm dreaming, and I can't focus on nothing else but something bad has happened to one of my loved ones or something bad is about to happen to me and this can last for hours on end and when I finally catch my breath I'm usually tired and sleepy and can't eat or sleep, but I want to go to sleep, but I can't because I'm afraid something bad is still going to happen even thought I have calmed down.
For years this was what I had to endure and this can last all day long if you have no one at all to talk to or rely on. And most times I kept them to myself, I was afraid of what people would think of me, I was afraid everyone would find out I was crazy. I have finally come to accept the fact I'm crazy ass hell, who gives a fuck anyways, I do care because I don't wanna have panic attacks anymore, but I had one the other day and it was not pleasant but it did not last all day long and I was not as tired and drained after it finally went away. Talking about a demon on my shoulder and a devil in my ear.
I like the way weed relaxes me, but when I was drugged by a group of men that comfort level was taken away, it was like I lost my sleep aid yet I like to smoke and remember once I heard the best way to overcome the fear is to hit it head on and that's what I did with weed, I started back to smoking as soon as I got out the hospital and it made me even more paranoid, I was afraid I was gonna end up in the hospital, tied to a bed, naked and with no clue of what happened.
Weed helps me to relax and meditate on the things that are causing the panic to happen, so instead of being afraid of my thoughts I see them thru and let them go wherever they want to and then I try and write it all down and I let my mind flow, I try not to stop in fear and my biggest fear was realization. After being drugged, I was afraid nothing was real and I was really dreaming because I was in a coma and this caused me panic attack after panic attack. When I get those thoughts I have to explain them away, example, I will tell myself if I was dreaming I would be able to pull my dead loved one back or into the room with me and would never have to leave out and would never pee on myself and would never feel hunger and things like that and I want have to go to work and why would I have to pay all that money for bills, I explain the notion I'm dreaming away.
I'm better today than I was yesterday and if I live to see tomorrow I hope things will continue to improve, not just for me but for all humanity even the soulless.
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