Familiar feelings

I moved away from Monticello in 2009 and went to Atlanta. I thought the women were more educated and not so selfish and misguided, boy was I wrong, these bitches were even worse...

They hated me without a cause kind of like people in Monticello. I was born and raised in this town and knew quite a bit of people from home, but when my son was murdered I felt isolated and circled out.

All I heard was bad things coming to me about me from people who were supposed to care for me when I was unable to care for myself. I soon realized all the nasty rumors being spread were coming from my own relatives, because family want make up lies on you and spread them like wildfires.

Many times when I head that way I get anxious and those ole familiar feelings soon return and I can’t wait to get home where I feel a sense of comfort. I have a hard time communicating with my relatives because they were not there and watched me suffer from a distance and came to my house when I was in the hospital after being drugged and never came to see me when I made it home.

Maybe I’m a monster and I’m the only one who doesn’t know it so I constantly search myself looking for my crazy because I do know I am fifty shades of crazy but far as I can remember I never violently hurt anyone and the way they talked about me one to the other and came back to tell me what the other person had to say pushed me even further away from my relatives.

My hope is to one day feel comfortable back home when I visit because my aunt Sister was the only one who showed up at the hospital when I was drugged everybody else treated me like I was a serial killer...

I thought it was hard bringing Jeremy in this world

Jeremy Carlos Miller eleven years old

The pain is constant and worse as it progressed. The doctor not there yet and the nurse a young black woman no help at all, I rocked back and forth and this didn’t help the pain and the nurse standing off to the side away from the foot of the bed as I rock and yell and beg her to help me and she says if you don’t lay still you gone fall off the table and then I was frighten even more, she was no help, no comfort she had no compassion at all and no one I knew was there to help comfort me and cheer me on.

Jeremy was a very active child who was always happy and outgoing and outspoken and full of energy and a complete handful.

Jeremy was very bright in school and finished his work first and fast and then he clowned around and this often got him in trouble and he always promised he would stop clowning but he never did.

Jeremy loved playing the drums in church and being helpful to others, if I needed him to do something for me all I had to do was ask. About two weeks before he was murdered he was in the laundry room helping me fold clothes and he whispered to me ma I have something to tell you and Clarence burst into the room asking him, what you doing in here in your mama way come on out of here so she can finish the laundry and I said he not in my way, I never thought anything of it until later on. 

Clarence was going to Ingles one evening and told Jeremy to ride with him and when they made it back I was in the kitchen cooking and Jeremy gave me some flowers he bought with the two dollars I gave him for helping me, his love was sincere.

Jeremy loved his siblings and he and Ray were very close. Jeremy loved playing video games and Ray did too. Ray would sit in the wagon with the joystick in his hand and fall asleep while he and Jeremy were playing the game. 

I love him and miss him so much, Clarence wanted them to come home in the evening time, he and Brad my nephew so they want get in trouble. Brad says on the day Jeremy was killed he heard nothing but Laurine, Clarence sister says she heard him yelling and thought they were in the yard just playing.

Clarence says when he pulled to the mailbox he backed in the yard and from the corner of his eye he saw what appeared to be someone hanging in a tree and he says I thought it was Brad and I said to myself that boy finally did it to himself but as I got closer I could tell it was Jeremy and I jumped out the car and his knees were on the ground and he was slumped over a bit and he says he pulled the cord that was tied around his neck and he fell to the ground.

No pain on this earth compared to the pain I have endured after loosing him and all the unanswered questions and the GBI did a horrible investigation. I have so many theories and I share them with the police but the last time I called the Sheriff in Monticello he made it clear they had no plans to do anything else but if I know anything to keep them posted...one day I know the truth will come out

Truck Driver

I was on MLK off I-20 in Atlanta it was not Hamilton but the one past it, hell it might be called MLK at any rate I met this guy there and we exchanged numbers and after about a year we met again and we talked and I met him at a truck spot is best as I can describe it and it was hot and my AC didn’t work and he invited me to his big truck and finally I agreed.

Was not a remote area and other truckers were around waiting for their load. He invited me into his truck and I agreed and he asked me in first and I said no, so he climbed in first and then I climbed in and sat behind the wheel, I had always wanted to see the inside of a big rig and I did.

He sat on the bed which he pointed out on numerous occasions and I ignored the bed part and then he showed me a bottle of already opened Hennessy (guess I spelled it right) brown liquor and I said no thanks and then he said do you smoke, it’s ok with me if you have some and I said I’m fine.

Then he made a comment about me leaving and I was happy with the idea of getting the hell out of the cab, I wanted to give him the benefit of doubt, my mother told me so many times all men wanted from me was sex, she said over and over he must be crazy to want you so I hoped he just wanted to get out of the heat so we could talk and get to know each other, I hoped, damn, not all men want sex from me, there was a time I could not give it away.

I got out of his truck and he followed me and we continued a conversation and I stood by the door of my car looking around at all the businesses I did not know were there and the large number of trucks that were parked along the bay waiting to be filled and we talked and he told me he may be there for longer than eight hours waiting on a full load and I was enjoying the conversation when Dude bumped me from behind with a hard dick and my mind forgot everything else and I turned kind of fast and looked down and I asked him what just happened. 

He muttered something I can’t even remember I got my key and opened my door and he said oh come on and I said you have no shame, all these trucks got drivers and you bumping up on me like that, I felt some type way but it was not impressed but I was not offended at the same time and I do feel it’s ok for a man to ask and to flirt but that bumping me from the back kind of got next to me and we were not dancing.

I left there and we did talked later that night and I agreed to go out with Dude again. And we did dinner and he was rude or maybe not, hell if I know, he not my husband I don’t even know him, but I do find it a tad bit rude for a man to zoom in on every woman’s ass or titties who pass by him, I felt some type of way for them as well as me. He watched a woman’s ass as she passed and then he looked back into my eyes and said, oh I’m sorry as if he completely tuned me out because we were talking and then he said but you the prettiest woman in here and I felt insulted.

We left the Mexican restaurant and he asked me again for sex and I said no and he decided to walk back to his truck. We later spoke on the phone and he called me an angry woman and a bitter black woman and a lot more belittling things and I realized I must be mad to have entertained him for that long...

Happy Holidays 2018

So today I have mixed feelings and my emotions run wild and I’m being to think maybe on holidays my children emotions run wild too...

I was folding laundry and my daughter began to yell at me about her brother my son about what he has not done and she made me feel real bad real quick and I’m begging to think maybe this is how I or someone else must have treated them.

I don’t know maybe it was me! Maybe on days like this that are meant to be joyous and loving and giving and kind I probably was arguing because I was sad and depressed because I had no one too help me and I had lost so many loved ones and when I was happiest was when I was with them and when they were here with me.

And when we got together it was complete fun until one Fourth of July one year, I was a young girl either five or six, I’m not sure the year but it was the fourth Independence Day a time to celebrate, no more unnecessary loss of life, no more blood shed but the horrors live on in the mind of those who have served in conflict, PTSD is real I suffer from it. I'm no veteran but I still suffer from it, I was drugged by a man at a horse ranch and it scarred me, I refuse to say for life, I don't want Panic Attacks and reliving moments over and over again in my head and in a constant state of fear, NO, NO, NO, let there be healing for those who know what it is I'm going through to know we can be healed, because today, I'm not as bad as I was when I saw the movie and it seems as if I can out of shock and into a state if fear and now I'm not sure where I am in my head, but now I'm almost for certain I do know where I live and that I am not dead and living in a whole somewhere or in a place walking around and out of mind and all this is a dream. I still have those moments where nothing seems real and I have to reconnect with nature and what surrounds me to remind myself I am real and so is everything around me.

Others need to do the same thing, get out of the TV and reconnect with nature and what's real and out of the devices and reconnect with the outdoors and Earth, Mother, Planet, reconnect as if you are connecting with a love partner who has the potential to fulfill all your dreams. I'm trying to get there, when I was a child I loved the outdoors and family functions and partying and having fun in a group setting and the anticipation of the next event and now that I'm older I realize what happened to me, live and all the horrible events that have thrown me into a shell and those things that happened were not talked about, it was like mentioning those things are forbidden. My head is messed up on one side and other side constantly reminding me things are ok and the other side constantly reminding me of the things that can happen if you not completely aware and knowing you not completely aware and can never be too safe, if someone want to do harm to you, they can and will, so I try hard to dismiss that thought all together because that one will keep me indoors all together and afraid while I'm inside that they will rush the house and kill us all, power to let those fears go, and to be aware of my surrounds. Power to get out and walk and connect with my neighborhood and what may go on around where I live, just walk and be aware and helpful if needed. I would love to build a community center with a swimming pool and a small store inside with a game room inside and a movie room with popcorn, that is my desire and to sell plates during the day and give away food and clothing and items people may need to help them to keep going.

I get side tracked like that when I'm having an anxiety attack, when I'm having an attack I try hard to change the subject in my head so I can get out of the attack and most of the time it is something I want to do to make money from home. A center and be a job in my community on one of these vacant lots, I really need to look into doing that and then I can spend more time on my head and getting it out my way right now and maybe one day someone will actually comment and leave me feedback that can and will be helpful to me and others.

Ms. Bill Farrar was her name she was such a sweet person and so was her mom, she lived across the field from us, she was such a good person, she was never rude or mean to me she always smiled and talked nicely to me and she dipped sniff like my mom. I remember one time we were there visiting and Ms Bill and my mom were in her living room laughing and talking and having fun, we had visited with her for some hours and we had danced and ate and played music and now it was time to leave and they were chattering away and HE looking at them and then peering down at me walking in the to the kitchen HE grabbed a big butcher knife and walked back past me looking down and with the knife in his hand and went into the bedroom and placed it under the pillow by the bedroom door.

I said he put that knife under the pillow I pointed and my mama said what did you say and I said it again, he put that knife under the pillow and Ms Bill went raised the pillow up and looked and she said to him, why you put that knife under there, ole what’s his name, HE not worth the mention, but his dirty acts of violence was the root to anxiety and panic in my life...

And HE said while looking at me Carol you need to keep your mouth closed and my mama said Bill you alright and Ms Bill said Alfin go on now I’m alright y’all go on and leave and mama said Bill you can stay at the house tonight if you want to and he went on in the bedroom and Ms Bill told mama to go on and leave right now and we did, we walked down the pathway to the house and I have never forgot that.


Like I said I don’t remember the year just the occasion Independence Day. We had fun all day and it was dark and people were winding down to leave and some heading home already and some in cars with lights on, or maybe it was the lights from the car that pulled in the yard, I'm not sure, but there was car lights and the light was on on the front porch and we were about to leave too and Ms Bill was to ride home with us.

And he walked up on the porch from out of the darkness, he had not been there all day long, and HE said to Ms Bill you ready to go and she said I have a ride home and he said come on and she said no go on and my grandmother stood there beside her and she said oh go on now and he pulled out and gun and shot her point blank five times right there in front of me and my brother and my aunt and my grandmother and I’m not sure who else was close by when he shot, but I turned to run and the screen door swung open and my mom walked on the front porch with Poggie’s shot gun and I froze and she aimed it and June threw the barrel of the gun up in the air and my mom said got damn you June I could have got him and June said Alfin no and I ran in the house and could still hear them two as they fussed, it was like a dream a nightmare and the bad man was there alive and in person,  and then I seen more of my cousins and they were running into June’s room so I followed.

We stayed there until someone else came looking for us and we went back to the front porch and Ms Bill lay there on the front porch and my grandma was over her asking for something to put on the bleeding, Ms. Bill was so sweet and loving I had a picture of her an mom and have a few more places to look and hopefully I will find it and I can add it.

Her sister Barbara Ann and her husband stopped along side the road to see what was going on, there was so many cars along side the road and the ambulance was there in the yard and, someone told her what happened to her sister and she ran and screamed so loud it still rings in my head and I can see her as she run down the road and her husband behind her trying to catch her, it was like a really bad dream and I was living it out, I just stood there looking around for someone I knew so I could stand close to them to feel some type of comfort and I don't remember the ride home or going to bed that night, just waking to bad news...


Ms Bill died on the way to Augusta Hospital 

No weapon formed shall prosper

We not surviving because of money we are surviving because we all work together to have the things we need in order to survive...

Money is a weapon being used to control us. If we take money out of the equation and still work together for the good we will still survive...

Together we can make it, but divided we have become and this division has caused many to suffer and perish because they don’t have a substance that is not needed to survive...

Money gives us a false sense of comfort and hope and has led us astray. I have grown so used to walking into a store and buying things I should be able to grow at home. But because of my need for money just to survive I have to work hard so I don’t have time for a garden or time to make a pair of pants so I have to rely on others to sell those items to me when I should be able to grow my own food and can it myself and make clothes to wear, but if I don’t work where will I live. I don’t want to be homeless, but if that were the case I want be homeless alone. 

So many American people are currently homeless and these people have worked for years to help get this country where it is today...

Always use your hands

I need to use my hands to defend myself as long as I can against those who wish me harm of while trying to raise a child or to own an animal...

They being the child or the animals need to know beyond fear that we can use our hands to defend or discipline you and more so with animals they don’t understand on the same level as us and their parents don’t use a switch or a belt or paddle they use their body too feed them and to teach them, and they use their body to discipline them as well not a leach they understand each other with body gestures and they connect on the ground level or floor with the baby there...

My son has brought a dog here for me to raise, this dog has the hardest head in a dog I have ever seen, I know he a puppy but he love starting shit all the got dam time, he want quit. Nino beat his ass over and over again and each time I break them up...

Imma stop getting in the middle so he will earn Nino respect because I’m having a hard time earning his respect too...

Hell im still trying to earn my children respect it seems or why do they have such a hard time earning mine...

I greet people with respect who I don’t even know I give what I know and hope to learn my place with others as I go along...

Some people are open to a greeting while others will go beyond a simple greeting they will extend a warm welcome and a conversation that can last for hours if you not always so pressed for time...

I have rushed for so many years trying to get there and once there forced to make a quota that rushes me all day long so when I have free time I still feel rushed...

I love pictures, this is www.homedepot.com during Halloween 2018, I love capturing pictures, it and writing are my hobbies...

I feel so rushed I can’t wait for something to be over like a simple walk. A walk is so hard for me to do because I’m trying so hard to hurry this walk because it is no longer pleasant for me to be outside because of folk, because of others who are supposed to always extend a helping hand I now fear them and always wonder do others really like me or will they do me bodily harm and I have been like this for years but it is worse after those men drugged me in two thousand seven and I was ashamed it happened to me and blamed myself for even being there when I was simply looking for an outlet because the next day was my deceased sons birthday...

Not to mention the time I was thirteen walking to the store with my two cousins and a man came along and turned around and pulled along side us and pointed a gun at us and I jumped the fence and crawled on my knees until I saw they both were over the fence then I ran like hell and he turned around and went to the dirt road and waited and my cousin heard his car and she said turn around and we ran thru cows down a riverine and up the other side and ran some more and all I wanted to do was make it to the big yellow house that is no longer there nor is the house my grandparents lived in and where we were walking from...

We ran some more until my cousin Gwen passed out and her sister Debbie held her and she tried to make me go on ahead and get that man and I was scared and said no what if he up there and while argued back and forth she blamed me for us being there and I still want go and then someone we know passed by and got help and we ended up back at my grandparents and I have blamed myself for years and I now know it was not my fault.

It was his fault and people like him live in fear of being attacked instead of being protected by those who are like us, we are the only species doing this sad sadistic shit and this shit has got to stop, we need to trace all possible roots that lead to this way of thinking...

It is not ok to be a killer, it is ok to defend yourself with all your breath to the bitter end, it is a complete coward that takes away your defense and all at that, it’s hard to defend against a bullet or a bomb and we need to stop blaming people for what was done and not what was just did and let the healing for slavery began and history need to be taught at home and not a requirement and in books like the first book written in dedication of this shit and all the senseless killing that have occurred over the years when all I rights were taken away.

Many live delusional in the belief that the earth is man made. What’s beyond life I don’t know and get sick and tired of fantasizing about the death of me on a daily basis I have let so much happiness outside pass me by because not all people are bad and many I have met since moving away from Monticello have greeted me with a smile and a open and warm conversation...

I have feelings too

Don’t misplace my feelings while trying too save yours...

Fuck it I have feelings too, three peas in da bucket fuck it, don’t bring no shit too me sideways or I may try too straighten you...

This woman passed me something and something else fell to the floor and I grabbed the item she passed to me and sat back and she said that paper fell on the floor and she kicked it and said I can’t pick it up and neither did I, maybe it’s me but the kicking made it belittling towards me. 

Same person different day, she had all her beds stripped and all the covers on the floor and I knew what she expected of me, she expected me to pick them up. I walked past them over and over until she realized I had no intention of picking them up so she says, will you get the basket and pick up those covers, they were in more than one place and I said why did you throw them on the floor and she said my back hurts me and I said I have a bad back to. I have a problem with people throwing things on the floor just to tell me to pick it up, it’s very belittling to me. 

I’m not a maid, however I do help with light cleaning, I would much rather have made the beds up from scratch than to walk I to see covers all over the place. 

Somewhere during my life I have learned to love me too inspite of all the negative things people have done and have said towards me. 

You sleep with a tv on

I was having this conversation with my cousin husband and he was baffled I have a hard time sleeping with a television on. So he made the comment; what wrong with you that you can’t sleep with a tv on. 

And I said what wrong with you that you scared to sleep in the dark...

I did it...and nothing happened

I was afraid to walk around the block because of dogs and people.

Yesterday my daughters convinced me to walk around the block because nothing was going to happen and so I did and nothing happened and I’m so glad I did. I felt better after the walk, it was a brief walk around the block. Now mind you we could have walked to the end of the street but the block was my comfort level.

Once when I was very young we were walking from my aunts house, about two and a half miles maybe more maybe less, but it didn’t take us that long to get to the house and the moon was out real bright and we walked fast as hell with Charles in the front and mama was in the middle and there I was in the back, around the curve was a corn field and beyond that corn field was our house and we were there like coming out of the curve and almost beyond the woods and we can see our house and our neighbor house and a big truck like a monster truck, not tractor tire big but it was off the ground and it had search lights on the top and it was a big dust up behind them because we lived on a dirt road.

The truck was kind of loud, but not. It had mufflers and pipes but it was not like a muffler off raggedy sound. I’m not sure the color, it may have been white, but because of the moon you could see it well. They passed us and began to yell, Whoopi and my mom yelled Charles run home and load the shot gun and she yelled to me run across the field and when they spent around my mom said lay down. My brother was in the house and when they passed wher we lay my mom said come on baby and we ran to the house and they turned in the drive way and my brother ran out on the porch with the gun and my mama ran up the steps and took it from him and I ran past her and she said y’all get in the house and Boot turn off all the lights. That’s all I remember from that night, I do know daddy was supposed to pick us up and he never did. If mama and daddy got to fighting this night I slept right through it.

At first all I wanted to do was walk around the corner and look at my land and envision myself there and come back, but once we were there the children had went further while I took pictures to send to Ray and I really wanted to as well. I just needed some type reassurance I could make it if I was to try...I did and I made it. 

Once around the corner I was pissed to look at how nasty my son has my land, he sleeps there in a tent. 

Look at beautiful land trashed by one person, got damn this shit makes my blood boil, the nerve of him to fucking litter like he got no manners at all!!!!!!

Calming down, you will give yourself ulcers, people used to say that I wonder if it’s true. 

I’m glad I have a place to sleep at night of else I would be around that corner in the cold sleeping in a tent each night. I’m so grateful my daughter blessed me and my other children with a roof over our head until I can afford a place on my land. I’m not to flashy so a single wide trailer will do me because all I need is a den at night because I’m finally free.

All my children are old enough to survive without me and that make me proud as hell, I fucking did that thang. I can finally relax and exhale but I have taken the lead for so long it’s hard to do, and this constant fear of death has to get the hell off my shoulder too and let me fucking live.

 But what I don’t understand is why writing this makes me cry!

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Force of habit

I was in the kitchen checking on my supper, a morning star corn dog, some fries, shoestrings and some broccoli florets, yummy or not. My taste buds have not been enjoying food recently, for years I ate loaf bread with everything and had sweets often so the change has been drastic to my taste buds, but I’m a size smaller and they don’t fit snugly.

I left the kitchen and headed down the hallway towards my room when I felt a pressure on my stomach so I detoured to the bathroom and knocked on the door, my daughter yelled who is it and I said it’s just me and I asked, can I come in and she laughed and said yes come on and I said, I have to go and she said, go ahead. And I did, ended up being a little gas and all the pressure was gone.

Anyways I finished up and washed me hands and dried and opened the door and turned off the light as I walked past and before the door closed I heard my daughter say, hey hold up we in here and I opened the door in laughs and said, my bad, force of habit.

Many times it’s in our intentions no to do something we may have decided to let go but will find ourself doing it spontaneously and regretting it right after. If we keep trying and don’t give up hopefully one day we will overcome. I have a lot of habits in my life and they can be costly, and sharing your habits with others can break the bank if you allow it. I have been trying hard to cut back on drinking and smoking weed and I have been doing quite well, but I’m so used to drinking everyday as soon as I walk in the door first thing I look for is a drink and a smoke and somewhere in there a chew, but I find the less I smoke the more I chew and the more I smoke the more I smoke blunts the more respiratory infections I have, if I smoke white papers it’s not as bad but I still feel it. I’m hoping they will soon legalize marijuana in Georgia so I can try vaping or edibles because it is beneficial for me.

This has been the norm for me for years and old habits die hard. I’m not beating myself down for not being able to go cold turkey because there are so many addictions out there and to go cold turkey with so many can become overwhelming so I try hard to work on one at the time. First thing I have up that I felt was bad for me was pork, then beef then all land animals, I do by animal products and look forward to growing my own food so I want have to depend on others for food. 

I take it one day at a time and realized I’m not a machine even though I have been programmed by others to think I’m supposed to be a certain way or this and that and my life revolves are what others want for me and not what I want for myself. Power not to give up, power to drink on occasions and not to drink daily and if I choose to have a drink not to have to many and to stop sharing with other so frequently.

Anxiety why me...why not

Right now I’m suffering from an anxiety attack and I don’t know how it got this far.

I was sitting watching home alone with my grandchildren and I began to feel as if I was not breathing right and bam it’s on a popping. I’m not sure how long this one will last or if I will survive it, because all I can think about is death and dying suddenly, how long will it last. 

I have not had a drink in two days could that have anything to do with it, I’m not sure but reading about alcohol withdrawal symptoms only made it worse, feels like I’m smothering under covers and my nostrils have stopped up I’m not survif it’s my breathing or just the anxiety or both. Not to mention the tingling feeling I get in my hands, I checked my blood pressure three times and it went down the last time, but my heart rate was still above one hundred. 

I have a hard time accepting death, I know it’s gone come but it’s my greatest fear, the fear of death stops me in my tracks and now I have to walk and pace back and forth until I’m not so anxious.

Imma head outside again to suck in some fresh air and hopefully it will work and my nerves will calm down because when I’m like this I can’t sleep and I’m afraid of dying in my sleep in my bed alone and no one will know I’m sick...