So today I have mixed feelings and my emotions run wild and I’m being to think maybe on holidays my children emotions run wild too...
I was folding laundry and my daughter began to yell at me about her brother my son about what he has not done and she made me feel real bad real quick and I’m begging to think maybe this is how I or someone else must have treated them.
I don’t know maybe it was me! Maybe on days like this that are meant to be joyous and loving and giving and kind I probably was arguing because I was sad and depressed because I had no one too help me and I had lost so many loved ones and when I was happiest was when I was with them and when they were here with me.
And when we got together it was complete fun until one Fourth of July one year, I was a young girl either five or six, I’m not sure the year but it was the fourth Independence Day a time to celebrate, no more unnecessary loss of life, no more blood shed but the horrors live on in the mind of those who have served in conflict, PTSD is real I suffer from it. I'm no veteran but I still suffer from it, I was drugged by a man at a horse ranch and it scarred me, I refuse to say for life, I don't want Panic Attacks and reliving moments over and over again in my head and in a constant state of fear, NO, NO, NO, let there be healing for those who know what it is I'm going through to know we can be healed, because today, I'm not as bad as I was when I saw the movie and it seems as if I can out of shock and into a state if fear and now I'm not sure where I am in my head, but now I'm almost for certain I do know where I live and that I am not dead and living in a whole somewhere or in a place walking around and out of mind and all this is a dream. I still have those moments where nothing seems real and I have to reconnect with nature and what surrounds me to remind myself I am real and so is everything around me.
Others need to do the same thing, get out of the TV and reconnect with nature and what's real and out of the devices and reconnect with the outdoors and Earth, Mother, Planet, reconnect as if you are connecting with a love partner who has the potential to fulfill all your dreams. I'm trying to get there, when I was a child I loved the outdoors and family functions and partying and having fun in a group setting and the anticipation of the next event and now that I'm older I realize what happened to me, live and all the horrible events that have thrown me into a shell and those things that happened were not talked about, it was like mentioning those things are forbidden. My head is messed up on one side and other side constantly reminding me things are ok and the other side constantly reminding me of the things that can happen if you not completely aware and knowing you not completely aware and can never be too safe, if someone want to do harm to you, they can and will, so I try hard to dismiss that thought all together because that one will keep me indoors all together and afraid while I'm inside that they will rush the house and kill us all, power to let those fears go, and to be aware of my surrounds. Power to get out and walk and connect with my neighborhood and what may go on around where I live, just walk and be aware and helpful if needed. I would love to build a community center with a swimming pool and a small store inside with a game room inside and a movie room with popcorn, that is my desire and to sell plates during the day and give away food and clothing and items people may need to help them to keep going.
I get side tracked like that when I'm having an anxiety attack, when I'm having an attack I try hard to change the subject in my head so I can get out of the attack and most of the time it is something I want to do to make money from home. A center and be a job in my community on one of these vacant lots, I really need to look into doing that and then I can spend more time on my head and getting it out my way right now and maybe one day someone will actually comment and leave me feedback that can and will be helpful to me and others.
Ms. Bill Farrar was her name she was such a sweet person and so was her mom, she lived across the field from us, she was such a good person, she was never rude or mean to me she always smiled and talked nicely to me and she dipped sniff like my mom. I remember one time we were there visiting and Ms Bill and my mom were in her living room laughing and talking and having fun, we had visited with her for some hours and we had danced and ate and played music and now it was time to leave and they were chattering away and HE looking at them and then peering down at me walking in the to the kitchen HE grabbed a big butcher knife and walked back past me looking down and with the knife in his hand and went into the bedroom and placed it under the pillow by the bedroom door.
I said he put that knife under the pillow I pointed and my mama said what did you say and I said it again, he put that knife under the pillow and Ms Bill went raised the pillow up and looked and she said to him, why you put that knife under there, ole what’s his name, HE not worth the mention, but his dirty acts of violence was the root to anxiety and panic in my life...
And HE said while looking at me Carol you need to keep your mouth closed and my mama said Bill you alright and Ms Bill said Alfin go on now I’m alright y’all go on and leave and mama said Bill you can stay at the house tonight if you want to and he went on in the bedroom and Ms Bill told mama to go on and leave right now and we did, we walked down the pathway to the house and I have never forgot that.
Like I said I don’t remember the year just the occasion Independence Day. We had fun all day and it was dark and people were winding down to leave and some heading home already and some in cars with lights on, or maybe it was the lights from the car that pulled in the yard, I'm not sure, but there was car lights and the light was on on the front porch and we were about to leave too and Ms Bill was to ride home with us.
And he walked up on the porch from out of the darkness, he had not been there all day long, and HE said to Ms Bill you ready to go and she said I have a ride home and he said come on and she said no go on and my grandmother stood there beside her and she said oh go on now and he pulled out and gun and shot her point blank five times right there in front of me and my brother and my aunt and my grandmother and I’m not sure who else was close by when he shot, but I turned to run and the screen door swung open and my mom walked on the front porch with Poggie’s shot gun and I froze and she aimed it and June threw the barrel of the gun up in the air and my mom said got damn you June I could have got him and June said Alfin no and I ran in the house and could still hear them two as they fussed, it was like a dream a nightmare and the bad man was there alive and in person, and then I seen more of my cousins and they were running into June’s room so I followed.
We stayed there until someone else came looking for us and we went back to the front porch and Ms Bill lay there on the front porch and my grandma was over her asking for something to put on the bleeding, Ms. Bill was so sweet and loving I had a picture of her an mom and have a few more places to look and hopefully I will find it and I can add it.
Her sister Barbara Ann and her husband stopped along side the road to see what was going on, there was so many cars along side the road and the ambulance was there in the yard and, someone told her what happened to her sister and she ran and screamed so loud it still rings in my head and I can see her as she run down the road and her husband behind her trying to catch her, it was like a really bad dream and I was living it out, I just stood there looking around for someone I knew so I could stand close to them to feel some type of comfort and I don't remember the ride home or going to bed that night, just waking to bad news...
Ms Bill died on the way to Augusta Hospital
I was folding laundry and my daughter began to yell at me about her brother my son about what he has not done and she made me feel real bad real quick and I’m begging to think maybe this is how I or someone else must have treated them.
I don’t know maybe it was me! Maybe on days like this that are meant to be joyous and loving and giving and kind I probably was arguing because I was sad and depressed because I had no one too help me and I had lost so many loved ones and when I was happiest was when I was with them and when they were here with me.
And when we got together it was complete fun until one Fourth of July one year, I was a young girl either five or six, I’m not sure the year but it was the fourth Independence Day a time to celebrate, no more unnecessary loss of life, no more blood shed but the horrors live on in the mind of those who have served in conflict, PTSD is real I suffer from it. I'm no veteran but I still suffer from it, I was drugged by a man at a horse ranch and it scarred me, I refuse to say for life, I don't want Panic Attacks and reliving moments over and over again in my head and in a constant state of fear, NO, NO, NO, let there be healing for those who know what it is I'm going through to know we can be healed, because today, I'm not as bad as I was when I saw the movie and it seems as if I can out of shock and into a state if fear and now I'm not sure where I am in my head, but now I'm almost for certain I do know where I live and that I am not dead and living in a whole somewhere or in a place walking around and out of mind and all this is a dream. I still have those moments where nothing seems real and I have to reconnect with nature and what surrounds me to remind myself I am real and so is everything around me.
Others need to do the same thing, get out of the TV and reconnect with nature and what's real and out of the devices and reconnect with the outdoors and Earth, Mother, Planet, reconnect as if you are connecting with a love partner who has the potential to fulfill all your dreams. I'm trying to get there, when I was a child I loved the outdoors and family functions and partying and having fun in a group setting and the anticipation of the next event and now that I'm older I realize what happened to me, live and all the horrible events that have thrown me into a shell and those things that happened were not talked about, it was like mentioning those things are forbidden. My head is messed up on one side and other side constantly reminding me things are ok and the other side constantly reminding me of the things that can happen if you not completely aware and knowing you not completely aware and can never be too safe, if someone want to do harm to you, they can and will, so I try hard to dismiss that thought all together because that one will keep me indoors all together and afraid while I'm inside that they will rush the house and kill us all, power to let those fears go, and to be aware of my surrounds. Power to get out and walk and connect with my neighborhood and what may go on around where I live, just walk and be aware and helpful if needed. I would love to build a community center with a swimming pool and a small store inside with a game room inside and a movie room with popcorn, that is my desire and to sell plates during the day and give away food and clothing and items people may need to help them to keep going.
I get side tracked like that when I'm having an anxiety attack, when I'm having an attack I try hard to change the subject in my head so I can get out of the attack and most of the time it is something I want to do to make money from home. A center and be a job in my community on one of these vacant lots, I really need to look into doing that and then I can spend more time on my head and getting it out my way right now and maybe one day someone will actually comment and leave me feedback that can and will be helpful to me and others.
Ms. Bill Farrar was her name she was such a sweet person and so was her mom, she lived across the field from us, she was such a good person, she was never rude or mean to me she always smiled and talked nicely to me and she dipped sniff like my mom. I remember one time we were there visiting and Ms Bill and my mom were in her living room laughing and talking and having fun, we had visited with her for some hours and we had danced and ate and played music and now it was time to leave and they were chattering away and HE looking at them and then peering down at me walking in the to the kitchen HE grabbed a big butcher knife and walked back past me looking down and with the knife in his hand and went into the bedroom and placed it under the pillow by the bedroom door.
I said he put that knife under the pillow I pointed and my mama said what did you say and I said it again, he put that knife under the pillow and Ms Bill went raised the pillow up and looked and she said to him, why you put that knife under there, ole what’s his name, HE not worth the mention, but his dirty acts of violence was the root to anxiety and panic in my life...
And HE said while looking at me Carol you need to keep your mouth closed and my mama said Bill you alright and Ms Bill said Alfin go on now I’m alright y’all go on and leave and mama said Bill you can stay at the house tonight if you want to and he went on in the bedroom and Ms Bill told mama to go on and leave right now and we did, we walked down the pathway to the house and I have never forgot that.
Like I said I don’t remember the year just the occasion Independence Day. We had fun all day and it was dark and people were winding down to leave and some heading home already and some in cars with lights on, or maybe it was the lights from the car that pulled in the yard, I'm not sure, but there was car lights and the light was on on the front porch and we were about to leave too and Ms Bill was to ride home with us.
And he walked up on the porch from out of the darkness, he had not been there all day long, and HE said to Ms Bill you ready to go and she said I have a ride home and he said come on and she said no go on and my grandmother stood there beside her and she said oh go on now and he pulled out and gun and shot her point blank five times right there in front of me and my brother and my aunt and my grandmother and I’m not sure who else was close by when he shot, but I turned to run and the screen door swung open and my mom walked on the front porch with Poggie’s shot gun and I froze and she aimed it and June threw the barrel of the gun up in the air and my mom said got damn you June I could have got him and June said Alfin no and I ran in the house and could still hear them two as they fussed, it was like a dream a nightmare and the bad man was there alive and in person, and then I seen more of my cousins and they were running into June’s room so I followed.
We stayed there until someone else came looking for us and we went back to the front porch and Ms Bill lay there on the front porch and my grandma was over her asking for something to put on the bleeding, Ms. Bill was so sweet and loving I had a picture of her an mom and have a few more places to look and hopefully I will find it and I can add it.
Her sister Barbara Ann and her husband stopped along side the road to see what was going on, there was so many cars along side the road and the ambulance was there in the yard and, someone told her what happened to her sister and she ran and screamed so loud it still rings in my head and I can see her as she run down the road and her husband behind her trying to catch her, it was like a really bad dream and I was living it out, I just stood there looking around for someone I knew so I could stand close to them to feel some type of comfort and I don't remember the ride home or going to bed that night, just waking to bad news...
Ms Bill died on the way to Augusta Hospital
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