I did it...and nothing happened

I was afraid to walk around the block because of dogs and people.

Yesterday my daughters convinced me to walk around the block because nothing was going to happen and so I did and nothing happened and I’m so glad I did. I felt better after the walk, it was a brief walk around the block. Now mind you we could have walked to the end of the street but the block was my comfort level.

Once when I was very young we were walking from my aunts house, about two and a half miles maybe more maybe less, but it didn’t take us that long to get to the house and the moon was out real bright and we walked fast as hell with Charles in the front and mama was in the middle and there I was in the back, around the curve was a corn field and beyond that corn field was our house and we were there like coming out of the curve and almost beyond the woods and we can see our house and our neighbor house and a big truck like a monster truck, not tractor tire big but it was off the ground and it had search lights on the top and it was a big dust up behind them because we lived on a dirt road.

The truck was kind of loud, but not. It had mufflers and pipes but it was not like a muffler off raggedy sound. I’m not sure the color, it may have been white, but because of the moon you could see it well. They passed us and began to yell, Whoopi and my mom yelled Charles run home and load the shot gun and she yelled to me run across the field and when they spent around my mom said lay down. My brother was in the house and when they passed wher we lay my mom said come on baby and we ran to the house and they turned in the drive way and my brother ran out on the porch with the gun and my mama ran up the steps and took it from him and I ran past her and she said y’all get in the house and Boot turn off all the lights. That’s all I remember from that night, I do know daddy was supposed to pick us up and he never did. If mama and daddy got to fighting this night I slept right through it.

At first all I wanted to do was walk around the corner and look at my land and envision myself there and come back, but once we were there the children had went further while I took pictures to send to Ray and I really wanted to as well. I just needed some type reassurance I could make it if I was to try...I did and I made it. 

Once around the corner I was pissed to look at how nasty my son has my land, he sleeps there in a tent. 

Look at beautiful land trashed by one person, got damn this shit makes my blood boil, the nerve of him to fucking litter like he got no manners at all!!!!!!

Calming down, you will give yourself ulcers, people used to say that I wonder if it’s true. 

I’m glad I have a place to sleep at night of else I would be around that corner in the cold sleeping in a tent each night. I’m so grateful my daughter blessed me and my other children with a roof over our head until I can afford a place on my land. I’m not to flashy so a single wide trailer will do me because all I need is a den at night because I’m finally free.

All my children are old enough to survive without me and that make me proud as hell, I fucking did that thang. I can finally relax and exhale but I have taken the lead for so long it’s hard to do, and this constant fear of death has to get the hell off my shoulder too and let me fucking live.

 But what I don’t understand is why writing this makes me cry!