POWER...

Dear sweet Mother Earth grant me Power to accept the things I cannot change...no matter how I fast and pray my son not ever coming back

Dear sweet Mother Earth grant me Power to change the things I can...if these things are bothering me then I need to change that thang

Dear sweet Mother Earth please grant me the Power to know the difference...knowledge is Power, some things we can change but will we do what is necessary to help create a change, like alcohol, how can I change how much I drink, do I cut back, knowing it’s hard just to cut back, do I seek help, not if I don’t wanna give it up...I can change how much I drink but I don’t want to give it up all together and I pray for honesty within because i have to live with my decisions and I choose to keep drinking 

All kind of Power is wrapped up in knowledge, power to overcome my fears, all but flying, not unless it’s absolutely no other choices...and the dark shadow, the grim reaper, another fear

Wisdom is knowing, Power is doing...

They taught me a lot with their mouth closed

My grandmother Everlena Lawson was not a woman of a lot of words, but she still taught me with her mouth closed “Mother” as did my grandfather “Poggie”. It doesn’t take a whole lot of words to get your point across, action says it best.

I can remember the garden to the right of the house and every year until I started school my grandparents had one and I helped each day I was there and was more than happy to. Today if I can’t find it at a fast food joint it’s ain’t happening. 

My grandfather Richmond Thomas. would draw water from the well and sit a bucket at the head of the garden and my grandmother would hoe and I would plant the food in the spot Mother hoed and have a small bucket I went back and forth and filled up and watered the plantes of seeds I put in the ground and covered up. When the bucket was almost empty my grandfathers would stop plowing and go fill the bucket until all the garden was done. 

I want my days back, I no longer want to have to work for other just to live, I want to grow my own food and trade with others and live the way life was truly intended...

I want to go help those who are in need and it not be a requirement just to make money, but all that was taken away and I want a free life back.

When we loved and was more than happy to help one another, no wars or rumors of wars, no conflict, no man more superior than another, just humans ensuring that all are cared for.

Many will say this way is impossible but I don’t agree with that, love always wins and so does life...

I die a thousand times a day some more

I was in my room having fun listening to the music and dancing to my own beat and now I understand the problem my body have with my mind. My mind see it one way and my body another, no longer like the waves in the water, I’m listening to flying private jet is the only thing I hear from Kodak Black, I hear him because he flow differently and I like his flow, anyway this muther fucker flying jets now, you recon he a muther fucking pilot and he done fulfilled his dream and imagine the next song on the radio now I hear him Kodak Black, way to go and my prayer for him is that he live a long life flying high above this mess that I really began to write about.

This bitch Anxiety has my head hurting reminding me constantly she here, but I fight her ass real hard trying to get her off me she a strong muther fucker too but I need that bitch to back the fuck up, now the weed done set in and my heart pounding real hard and I have to walk now, is this the last one will this one carry me out...

I don’t want to die I in front of my children, they don’t need that, something scar the brain...

The rapid heart beat stopped so I will come back inside but the fear of pneumonia set in to so you go figure...now I’m laughing at my self but still can’t relax because PANIC just got OFF my ass, now that’s one mean sum of bitch there, now go take a got damn spit because PANIC is like fighting a angry bear who ready to rape you right up the crack of your ass all while slapping you with his muther fucking paws holding you down and killing you softly,  because there are no blows, no licks, no real blood shed, no open lacerations, no open ones because they are engraved in the brain, but can be healed, but it takes time and hard work and one willing to subject self to the torture of what may be the root of the problem...

That shit right there is the shit I deal with on a daily basis which leads me to the conclusion I need to be home so I can write this shit out of my head. 

I need to clear my mind so I can sleep, I explore as much as I can before attempting to do a off, so with the aide of alcohol and freedom of expression I can go to sleep with ease...

I was trying to finish the moment when the song was playing and I was having fun and in my room dancing and feeling good and I thought about the fact I was having fun and that Bitch anxiety and her viler of a husband stress knocked on my door and all those bad feeling began to knock and when I heard Panic whispering, I left my room

I die a thousand times in one day...

Anxiety, stress, and panic keep my mind circling around death like an airplane circling a runway in the fog hoping nothing crashes into it or it crashes into something killing us all.

Death plagued me on a daily basis, with each pain I  worry I have a new condition and death is soon to follow or I will suffer...

I deal with this shit on a daily basis. That bitch ANXIETY and her fucking husband STRESS keep me hyped all the way up. And then the two of them bitches had the nerve to have a seed of Chuckie, type of muther fucker along with some Jason type of shit and a splash of Michael Myers along with a slash of Freddie Kruger and some of our everyday real criminals who lurk in wait to pounce like a lion a tiger or a bear, oh my type of shit chasing you around and you can’t get away. All you can do is sit or lay there in a ball and wait because there is no telling what will happen. And then all of a sudden and right out of the blue that bitch had the nerve to reproduce. That bitch just gave birth to a baby, guess what she named his bad ass.

“PANIC”. When that sum a bitch there, get his hands on you, you will think you dead and no telling when he will turn you a loose. He only spares your life so his ratchet ass can attack you time and time again along with his fucked up ass parents who will fuck with you on a daily basis. 

But that son Panic, he the type of mother fucker that sneaks up on you. And to think doctors want me to take a pill so all this shit can go away, shitting me, I tried that pill thang once and those pills are not for me. They never have me all relaxed and some joker sneak up on me and split my head to the white meat or a damn dragon fly down from space with fire shooting out of his mouth destroying everything in his path or a hunter get me with his bow and arrow and they do have hunters out there who use bow and arrows so don’t be tripping on   my fifty shades of crazy examine your own fucking head and stay the hell out of mines, ok.

Fuck you fear and all your ways, I am sick and tired of you but I will see you in a bit...

Glad to be home

I can’t wait to get home so I can be on my worse behavior...

All day long I have to endure the good the bad and the ugly of others while out and about because the last thing I want is a confrontation with anyone, now that I know better. Because a confrontation with many is seen as a physical challenge and you never know what that person been thru and where they are mentally so I try hard to always show humility, when out and about...but not at home.

Home is where I ball my fist up at the door and prepare to not let shit slide and if you in that special kind of mood, one of my fifty shades of crazy, now is the best time to join in and get shit off your chest too.

My children and I do this kind of shit all the time, now when I move out on my own what the hell am I gone do, who the hell Im gone yell at and talk shit with and watch a movie with and fall asleep with and wake up and they have fallen asleep in my bed, oh hell to da nawl, not my bed now they got to go all I want them to do is to get the hell out my bed but I love knowing they are in the next room and we wake up together and the cycle began...

But I still want my own living space with my own kitchen and bathroom and laundry room and living room and a dining room and a guest room, you know a house type of shit.

I also want a man in my life who can blend well in the mix because too much salt can destroy a good dish.

A man I really want to grow with and become really good friends with and lovers of the same things in this life and sex like top of mountain top, someone I really want to connect with and become one for a while and then spoon and I can fall asleep next to him and if he keep waking me up he got to go to his own bed kind of relationship and if we feel the need to sleep together in the same bed hopefully it want be every night, but I want him in the same house with me if it last forever good but if it don’t I hope there is a good reason.

The gift that keeps on giving...

My phone was hacked again after changing all my passwords. When they got back in again the next day it really creeped me out even more and then the person went into my email and archived all the alerts and info from the places they visited as if they were me shopping buying all them got damn game cards and had the nerve to leave merchandise in the shopping cart and gifted a Starbucks gift card in the amount of ten dollars because I’m broke and my money really matters to me because without it I would not have the things I need just to live a basic life.

I had eight dollars and some change money in my checking account and two dollars and maybe eight cents in my savings account and they transferred the two dollars from the savings into the checking and gifted a card to Starbucks and tried several attempts to wire money to self or to their help, hell if I know, I was baffled at how well of a job they did at moving my lil piece of money around, wish I was good at hacking, I would track them too just to know who they are and how did they learn all that crap and why do they use all that knowledge to affect the lives of others and why they hack folks with big bucks, because if I’m gone risk going to jail for hack theiving it’s gone be for a shit load of money, I’m guessing this person must be an amateur at hacking but good at it.

But you would think that they would stop there, but no, they set up overdraft protection on my bank account so they could dig the hole even deeper, damn they insightful, I wonder are they a student or do they work for the banking system or apple.

But that was not enough of robbing from the poor they visited my eBay and bought a game card and had several in the cart, they made several attempts until they got a hit and all PayPal was paying was sixty five dollars because like I said I ain’t got no money either, because this person has to be broker and in worse shape than me to risk jail time for ten dollars to Starbucks.

By now they should know I’m poor but it dawned on me they just don’t care all they want is the money and all it can buy, but a game card, I guess you can sell it how I don’t know because it is all digital and all you need is a code and you have access to that code, but if I was a hacker I would see where the code downloaded to. But since I can’t hack all I can do is hope they want attack me again.

But no, they hit up amazon and changed my passwords again and went to amazon and back to my bank account and changed the password, my bad the first day is when they tried to wire money and I changed the password and the second day is when they bought a gift card and this is when I went to the bank but they still got back into my bank account because it had my fingerprint saved.

I was baffled as to why they only went into certain accounts and not others and how did they get back in after I changed my passwords even my email and my spirit spoke to me and said bitch it’s that fingerprint feature that is being used and I deleted it and no more hacks so far.

That finger print is like saved in time on both devices and will always match up from one computer to another because it is saved and it’s the gift that keeps on giving to a hacker...

Sleep...the long road it takes to get there...

Once I get there I’m ok, but dozing off can be quite challenging.

When I was younger my brother would tell me something was going to get me while I slept. Dracula a werewolf or whatever to be afraid of was popular and my not knowing that blood suckers were not vampires but people who kill in cold blood I didn’t know the difference and a werewolf was merely a person who suffers with bipolar....Who knew

But insomnia has plagued me since my earlier days and continues to affect me now unless I’m under the influence of a substance.

All I want is to doze off with content...