How long can you sit

 I’m 54 and some change and realize I can’t sit still for long and my mind always wondering and I lose track easily and what I remember mostly is trauma...

I try hard to stay focused but it’s challenging, sort of like cutting back on alcohol and weed and chewing tobacco, the era where it was more acceptable and a lot less knowledge of how addictive it is and how it is used to manipulate mankind, alcohol and drugs.

My mind started to wonder but I succeeded at remembering not to stray away from all the distractions in my day to day life so I can’t focus more and not be such a scatter brain and hate being in the same place for to long other than my comfort zone, home. Dear sweet earth thank you for one. The earth is my home to but slavery and wars and persecution has taken away all that really is holy and pointed it into a direction that many abuse. Power to the people, freedom from persecution of those with malice intentions

 These are a few of the reasons I can’t remain focused on peace and serenity because of so much affliction. No acceptance of others in your surroundings, they not bothering you, constant killing, not just robbing but killing as well, knowing damn well you going to jail, who the hell you think you are the police.

Police, teachers of violence, I saw the Rodney King beating, I still can’t watch the George Floyd execution. Breonna Taylor, shot thru her window as she lay in her own muther fucking bed, just to name those who stand out most in 2020. An interesting year, or is it just the norm, how many people die each year in the USA. BRB...

https://www.prb.org/usdata/ says 2,839,205 deaths in United States in 2018. 

The total number of deaths in the United States increased from 2.4 million in 2009 to 2.8 million in 2018. An increase in deaths can indicate an aging population and/or an underlying public health issue. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the three leading causes of death in 2018 were heart disease, cancer, and accidents, such as motor vehicle accidents and accidental poisonings (drug overdose). Cited from prob.org

I'm having some trouble finding the count for 2019 and 2020, BRB, ok so I'm under the influence and don't feel like looking to long, but I did find some great comments in at the end of the article written, link below.

https://www.clickondetroit.com/health/2020/10/20/cdc-from-january-to-october-us-had-299k-more-deaths-than-in-previous-years/

Once again, I lost focus, my mind wanders some terrible and there is never any quietness until everyone is asleep. I'm excited and reluctant to my own place but at this moment in life I feel it is needed. 

Is it really a blessing

I often tell myself how blessed i am to have made it this far. Then I ask myself why am I more blessed than those who didn't live as many days as I. What about the quality of life. Were they happy living even though they were not healthy were they ready to go. 

My grandmother told me she did not want to live with a colostomy bag. I didn't understand at that time why not? If you not ready to die, you will improvise and continue on. Maybe my grandmother was tired of being here and didn't want to say so. I only know what she told me, maybe she felt like she was the only person with a colostomy bag and felt ashamed of it. My grandmother stood strong in her belief. She would not wear pants no matter the situation and would shut completely down if you pushed it. She didn't argue the issue for long before she turned her head and was done. 

I often ask myself why the bag was such a big problem. But again, I don't know I have never worn one. My grandmother left me with the message she would rather die than have this ole thing on her than improve her life. I'm not at that crossroad and can't began to imagine how I would feel. I just know I wanted her and her bag. No one has ever loved me like my granny, Mother, I miss those days at your house no matter how many times I was jumped around the corner, called names by my aunt's and cousins, the joy to see them and be in their company began to wear off over the years. But the joy it brought me to be in your company will last forever. Thanksgiving has not been the same since you left because I always felt welcome at your home and then you were gone and Thanksgiving changed along with the location. I have not felt welcome at a family gathering since you left. I have always been outgoing, outspoken, outrageous, outcast, left out, black sheep of the bunch. 

I try hard not to say what I want do because I have learned along the way I don't  always keep my word not even with myself. I have been a big let down to me and to others, but I'm trying and it seems I cant get any wind beneath my wings, I wanna fly again, even in my mind, I just can't seem to find my way thru all the darkness. 

My room, my den, my home, my safety net. It's getting harder and harder just to leave. And I know this and I want to feel better but I don't want to even try because I feel like it want even matter because I'm a complete failure...

Thanksgiving 2020

Is true my mom was hard on me. I once got the nerve to ask her why she beat me and cussed me so much. She said it was all I know to do. 

I forgave her at that moment, but I remember the words and the beatings. She went no where with me I don't feel can't be forgiven.

I miss you mum, Thanksgiving has not been the same since you left me. I miss you so much and your potato salad. I wish you were still here calling me on the phone and going flower shopping with you and gathering our oun cow manure...

Days are long and nights of sleep are short wondering so many times were you Rebeccaed. 

Your sickness makes no sense at all not me, it came so swiftly along with certain visitors who were there like never before. Bringing you food to eat and laced with what you should have listened to your baby sister and threw it in the garbage. 

I may never know the truth but one day someone may confess just like in the murder of Jeremy???

Devine Water...Tribute to Chasity Nichole pg. 5???

Wanting to entertain and be creative and enjoy doing things I like. Life has taken me down many roads, but none were a straight road. Something always comes up. 

Now Ms Nancy was born with a birth defect but that defect put her in a wheel chair. Ms Nancy had Muscular Dystrophy I'm not sure the type she had. MD comes in many forms. It can be debilitating and even fatal to many.

Ms Nancy is the reason my daughter Chasity had access to the foundation in the first place. Chasity Nichole was born with Muscular Dystrophy, Werdnig-Hoffmann disease, type two. Also know as spinal muscular atrophy type one, or acute spinal muscular atrophy. 

My rare flower is what she was to me, the most beautiful bloom I have ever seen...

She would use her eyes as a way to express herself,  yes meant twice up of her brows and no meant looking down real hard. She could not sit or stand. She could not roll over or get up or cry so I had a hard time hearing her. She was on a ventilator and mositure would build up and settle in the tubes and if enough water settled, air can't get thru the tube and the tubes would make a swishing sound and then if it wasn't emptied out the machine would beep.  She had to be feed through her nose. I went to the hospital in Augusta to learn how to care for her and change her tracheostomy and suction it out and reinsert her feeding tube. She was in the hospital for many months and day in and day out. I didn't want to accept what the doctors told me and was always looking for hope up until she passed away.

I took her to a Dr. Hope in Macon, her condition was his speciality, he ran numerous test on her and told me before leaving the office,  he gave me a grim diagnosis. Dr Hope was a white skin male, I will say he was forties or more, not much taller than me and he wore glasses and a blue suit. And he said she has muscular Dystrophy one of the more sever types. Your daughter want live to get a year and if she does live past a year it want be long before she dies. There is nothing I can do to help you there is no need to come back here. No, this was the second visit, back to him. Dr Noyd was the one who gave me the details and he sat in the office with me while I cried in disbelief. It was then I went back to Dr Hope and he told me not to bring her back. And so I asked him I said are you telling me just to push her in a corner and leave her and he said yes. And he walked away. And I called the MD association because they referred me to him and I told them how cold and uncaring he was and the woman on the phone said we will remove him from her list and move on to something else. 

Dr Noyd said to me in his office, I think you should go see a genetics counselor so she can help you understand more of why this happened to you baby. Each time Chasity was sick, Dr Noyd made a house call with no problems at all from his office. When Chasity passed away, he and his whole staff was listed as visiting with her one last time before she was gone forever. 

I remember the conversation with the woman on the phone saying to me you may be far away but you are not alone in this. I will send a truck to your front door to pick her up and bring her to this facility where she can see a doctor and get physical therapy, Ok. I said yes ma'am and the call eneded.

 I'm in tears right now because of all the pain associated with her life and how she suffered and I miss her.

I went to the genetics counselor and she tried explaing broken chromosomes to me. They are all supposed to be closed, one may be broken and if two people with the same broken chromosomes have children they may have a birth defect like Chasity did. I blame me for it, because her birth is my fault. I was messing around with a married man and he was my cousin. Possible dad number one. I didn't know he was my cousin, but I was later told by my mom that he That is true for many things, liquor and drugs have been used for centuries, maybe it was what was used to start a fire, something to clean and sterilize and married. Plenty people knew he was my cousin, no one told me, not even my mom. Years ago when my snooping cousins told me who my real dad was, I didn't believe them, I believed what my mom told me, because they were messy as hell when it came to my business. They never told me anything important or helpful, one of my cousins once stopped her sister from telling me something, I was in the fourth grade, she said, don't tell her mama said let her learn everything the hard way. I remember that comment a lot of times in situations I have endured in my life time, the hard was, very little to no help.  But they did tell everything that I was doing. My mom should have came clean with me when I asked her. 

And then when she came to me about him being married she had the opportunity to tell me he was my cousin. She kept that part a secret and beat the hell out of me for fucking with a married man. I kept on seeing him, by now I was sexually active and my body was now accustomed to sex and I liked it. And living way out, he had a car and he drove out to my house most every weekend and drove past slow and picked me up and we left. Moving on, my aunt is throwing a house party and we all over the place and I'm inside and outside and back and forth to the store and in the back door to dance some more and then another trip to town and this time in the den door this time my mother and my soon to be uncle standing in the den having a conversation. And the man called me and I walked towards them. I was convicted in my spirit because I had just got dropped off by this man in the road, in front of my aunt's house, did they see me, I'm in trouble, my mama about to be me at the party.  I had just come back from fucking. At that time I felt no shame, I was eighteen and kinda reckless with my cousins. We all have demons and skelton's hiding under the bed, in the closet, inn the inns and suites and jumping out of drawers when they are opened. I kept their secrets but they told all mine. Any rate, not my best moment in life, I regret it today, but I want ever have anything that will take it all away.

I do this for me and I dreamed about my rare flower🌹 Chasity. The dream was so vivid and felt so real. I actually woke up happy. It has been years since her last visit. I remember our first trip to Atlanta on a van specially designed for her chair. And there was a seat for me, he was a black guy, I made little to no eye contact with him, but he was very tall and I was depressed but didn't know there is a difference between sadness and depression, in fact I had never heard of depression until later on in life. The guy who was helping me with her was great an excellent at his job and made me feel comfortable. He talked the whole way, but I didn't really feel like talking back, but he kept on talking and finally we were there. 

Anyways, back to the party. I walked towards them and this man I knew and had talked with him on many occasions and now I'm about to find out why he always asking me do you know who I am. He says he girl, how you doing, what you been up to and I said hey, nothing. And he said, your mama got something to tell you, and he looked to his right, mama was standing to his right and she laughed and took a sip of her beer. And he said tell her I'm her uncle, she need to know, these children out here having sex with their cousin and don't even know it. My mind took a dive, was it true the man I had just left from fucking on a got damn dirty dirt road was now my now cousin, no, the shame I felt. A new family I didn't even know I had. I was crushed, I was shame, I felt bad the rest of the night, but I want be shame the rest of my life. Many customs marry their first cousin, maybe the reason it was moved away from is because of birth defects and how the children were born. 

The other possible father was the man I moved onto real quick after refusing to kiss my cousin when he asked and I told him we were cousins and he didn't care, he kept on and on driving by  stopping me wherever he seen me at. But I was done with him and when I told him we were cousins he said I don't give a shit. I just wanted to be done with him and not see him anymore at all, not even in passing, I left town. And it is this window right here where she was conceived. I left the next weekend and went to my sister's house in Eatonton and met John, in have had a lot of John's, JG 1, JG 2, and JC3. But JG 1 is the one I moved onto really quickly to get away from the man who was married and my cousin.

I was at my sister's house and JG came over and we walked all over town and that evening we did the thang. He started coming to Monticello spending nights with me and then I find out I'm pregnant. I want JG to be her daddy but there is that doubt that still lingers in my spirit. I try to forgive myself because I still think my cousin was her dad the reason she was born sick.

Now I'm back to Devin Water, and this is another Devine day. And the story picks back up. I deal with my depression by keeping it real with myself. Now I go to the fiction part of the story. 

Ms Nancy was a small white lady who was in a chair, she was very young, about my age. She had a job at the center. Bryan was the driver, he was working his way thru medical school, a forensic scientist, psychology and some more things he told me he was planning on learning while in school. He graduated high school early on and was a student at Emory University. His father paid for most of his education but insisted he get job to help with the cost of books and anything Bryan wanted to do extra he had to foot the bill. 

Ms Nancy met us at the door, she was so kind to Chasity and rubbed her face and touched her hair and looked her in the eyes and said to her you are the most beautiful flower I have ever seen, and do you know how rare you are, we have to cherish each moment you are here. The staff took her and introduce her to everyone and she soon got tired from all the attention and began to give off that no frown she could make that was oh so cute. Ms Nancy asked her something and she did the no with her eyes and I said that means no. Chasity did not want to do anymore exercises I think maybe that is what it was. She did a few more exercises and they showed me how to do her range of motion and arm and hand stretches. The two hours went by fast, I was happy for a moment to be in the company of others who understand my pain. But time stands still for no one, not even those who want stare at you when you are different. To be in company of those with no complaints who have the most to complain about is a rare treasure. I have so much to be thankful for, but hurt glooms and I press on and I pray for a day with a real laugh and a genuine smile. 

Time passed quickly and we had to say goodbye until next time. The drive back home was not as long as the one we made coming and I engaged in conversation more with Bryan on the way back. He was assuring to me they would take very good care of her and he made the comment, these people I work for don't play about this sickness. They would do more research but it's hard to get the money they need for the research. He then went on to say, most of the people there are volunteers and donations make the building possible. The state does little to no fundings, all the vans you seen are donations from others. 

We made about three or four more trips, each time Bryan was our driver and then Chasity passed away late one evening. Ms Nancy called to express her heart felt sympathy and Bryan mailed a card with his number included expressing how sad he was and if I ever wanted to move to the city he would help me with my now four month old son. I decline his offer, he called back a few more times and then he stopped. I wanted to move away to the city but I was afraid of what might happen to me. My mother made sure I kept those fears alive in me. 

    It is a Tuesday cold morning and I'm still in bed, I can hear the children in the other room laughing. We now live in Atlanta. I'm in the house my uncle oversees. My rent is cheap for a house this size, my uncle Bill, whose real name is William is an attorney in Atlanta and oversees plenty of property so I had no clue the house belonged to my real dad Franklin Turner. 

It's early morning, a little past six am and I'm in bed watching the news and playing a game on my tablet when I hear a name that sounds Familiar, it's Ms Nancy, she's on with the news caster so I turn up the volume and Jackson who said we were just here doing a story on you a few weeks back, we were here fighting to get the crosswalk signal closer to the sidewalk so you can push the button, he then did a recap of the story, and there she was in her chair, looking pretty much the same, she had aged a bit, but I could still tell it was her. She had a complaint with the city. She had called the city on numerous occasions trying to get them to mover the cross signal box closer to the sidewalk and how the action of news caster, action with Jackson got the button moved and she can now reach it. He showed her apartment complex and made a comment about how she has to wait here for long periods of time before she is able to cross, because she can't reach the button. Most days she has to wait until someone comes along and push the button for her.

Jackson now live again is at her hospital bed this time, Ms Nancy was followed home from the crosswalk and robbed and beat, I was floored. What could I do to help her, she is one of the kindest people I know. I was not sure what hospital she was in but i did know the last place she worked. I went to the MD center and true enough she still worked there. I began explaining who I was and how I know her and wanted to do anything I could to help her. One woman made a comment, if you wanna help, find the asses who would do such a horrible thing to another human being. She then shook her head said I apologise, it's not your fault, I was told by the DAs office, there are worse crimes going on right now, I said the DA told you that andnshe no some rude woman who works there who refused to give me her name, I told Nancy it was not to good idea to go on tv, I know that's how they knew her routine and I agreed. I said I understand, I feel the same way, do the police have any suspects, what about cameras, they are everywhere. The woman then says, they working as hard as they can is what we are being told. 

I left the center and drove through Atlanta traffic to the downtown area where  my Aunt Ida's office is. I had to circle the block three times until I figured out where to park so I want have to walk so far and pay so much money. I finally found a garage that was eight dollars for the day. I only need a few minutes, maybe they would charge me half, all I had was a twenty left after buying the flowers for Ms Nancy and it would be three more days before I got another pay check for cleaning. I parked and placed the ticket in my windshield and headed back towards the elevator, I was on the third dark and dimly lit deck. I walked fast looking around and then I saw more people walking and I felt a sense of ease. I made it to the elevator along with four more people and a woman wearing a long yellow sweater with tan boots that caught my eye reached the elevator in front of me and pushed. We waited they made small talk but my mind was on Ms Nancy. The doors opened and the woman did her hand for me to go on first and I stepped on the elevator and it moved and she laughed and said I hope it's safe for us, they did say only a ton. And they both laughed and I looked down. The woman in the yellow sweater pushed the button to the ground  floor and then she made a comment, why can't I have my own parking space. 

The elevator reached the ground and we got off and I walked towards the front of the building and so did the others. There was a man going into the building and I was sure he would hold the door seeing as how close we were, but he didn't, looked to me as if he pulled it. The woman in the yellow sweater said the nerve of him I should lift his probation to teach him some manners and the other woman laughed and the guy who was walking along with us shook his head. But all I could think was, I have heard her voice before but where. She was in front of me so I couldn't see her face, but her voice. The man who walked with us, held the door open and the lady stepped inside and said Roger, I know you saw it was me, why would you not hold the door for me. And Roger said, I don't have glasses anymore, remember you broke them, how was I supposed to know it was you, if you want me to see then get me some new glasses. She then said, don't make me have to lift your probation. And he threw up his hands and said that's cold ma and he stood there and held the elevator and we all got on and he stood there as the door closed and waved bye to her. And she laughed and said, I did break his glasses but he stole them from CVS, or one of those no name places. And I looked back at her, and damn it was Alexis, the witch of the west had found me in the south. I tried to look away as fast as I could to keep her from seeing me, but it wasn't fast enough. She said Kate is that you. I dropped my head and pinched myself and said damn bitch this is not a dream, what the hell, you followed me here and the doors of the elevator opened and I walked off and she laughed and said watch your steps, I'm the assistant to the DA, but that is soon going to change.

Alexis was wicked all the way throught, for years she had tormented me because of Kevin, my ex-husband. She cost me my job at the doctors office and tried to have my children removed from my home along with Kevin and my own cousin Opal, a whole nother story of a bad wind. 

Alexis was the other woman while I was married to Kevin, she didn't know we were married. She and Opal were best friends and Kevin and Opal had been fucking since before we moved away from Devine Waters. I was in the dark about him and Opal. She was assumed to be his wife in their circle of friends and I was his outside chick who he had children with. 

I didn't want her going after Aunt Ida because of me and my life choices so I turned around and got back on the elevator and made it a point to let Ida know what Alexis said. I had no clue Alexis was working with Ida, I never told her about Alexis and how badly she harassed me while I was in California. 

I waited until I was home and then I called Ida and guess who took the call, Alexis. I changed my voice and gave her my given name. And she said Charity is that you, you don't sound like yourself, who is this. And I froze, like hold on, I'm Charity, what is she talking about. She then said, I happen to know Charity and this is not her, who every you are, I can have this call traced and I hung up the phone and called Mother to get Ida's cell phone number, it changed like the wind because of all the threatening calls Ida gets on a daily basis, she change her number frequently, she always calls Mother to give it to her. Her house number changes the same way. I called Mother and she was cooking supper as usual. She always cooks early and spends the rest of the day at the police office. 

I told her  everything that was going on and she gave me both of Ida's numbers. I heard a click and it sounded like someone else was on the phone and I said is Nanner home and Mother said no. I then asked where is pap and she said out back at the chicken house. I said I will call you when I get done speaking with Ida. I remembered Mother making a comment that her business was always getting out and she didn't know how. I heard when someone picked up the phone, but how. Was her lines bugged, why thought. Well others had been trying to take away Nanners land for years now, they lived separate from the United States government. Devine Waters had its own governing system where the elders were in charge but everyone had a voice. The whole county voted on everything that was going to change the town. 

Just me

 I’m at a point in my life where I only want to be responsible for me. 

I’m burned out and still trying to make it to the end of maturity.

I have no clue what I want to do next but I know I want to do it for myself...

Coming home means a whole lot of things...

Before losing Jeremy I would come home angry. I would listen to what my elders would say to me and very seldom would say anything back. I went into school shortly after segregation. I was not allowed to speak in classroom and dare not talk back you just listen, some were mean, some not, most the white teachers I had early on were mean and said hurtful things. I had one black teacher who was mean towards me, she later made a comment, all children are not like their mother. My mother had already told me about an incident where she went to the school and was going to beat this teachers ass because she threw an erasser and hit him in the head with it. I might have happened and then again maybe not. I don't know if they ever talked about what really happened that day. I don't know if that is why she was mean to me or not. I was walking down the hallway after lunch and she said look at her she look grown, and then she called my name. I was in the sixth grade and had some clogs with hills I begged mama to let me have while I'm Mitchell's department store. She and Ms Mitchell talked her into buying me them things. When I heard Me Smith say she look grown in them things and called my name loud enough to hear my feelings were hurt, I loved them shoes and begged mama for them, my first pair of hills and I didn't like pissing people off so I didn't wear those shoes anymore. Children are bullied by teachers and some teachers are mean and will say hurtful things about you or your mama. 

Some teachers were so pleasant to be around they  made me feel safe around them. One of those teachers was Evelyn Clemons, she was beautiful to me and I loved the way she dressed, she wore clothes like the people on soul train and two price suits like the women and a hippie style. My shoes I got was like those on soul train. Ms Evelyn Clemons would have loved them shoes. I had plenty more wonderful teachers who made me feel welcome in the class with them, Ms. Geneva Davis, she was sweet and I loved her smile, I don't know if I loved her or was afraid of her. I think both, she kinda reminded me of my grandmother, her personality was sweet but she was powerful, one day I had the hiccups and Rydell Dennis mimicked me and we both got in trouble, Ms Davis called us to the desk and I told her I had the hiccups and she said hiccup. She even sat there and nothing, pop. I cried silently with my head on my desk for upsetting her and getting in trouble and now mama gone damn near kill me and Rydell on my I hate you list. Mother Fucker got took away my record of no paddlings in the fifth grade. I been mad at Rydell every since. Ms Alexander was my favorite teacher, I was frightened when I went into the class with fear and trembling. The horror stories I heard about this woman, she was the wicked witch of the south but the only person I ever met was Ms Alexander, she talked different, she talked fast and if it had a look, I would call it slanted, she was bow legged and wore nice two piece suits in different colors not like colors you see in everyday wear. And pant suits on women who would have thought. Most of the time it was at church you see women in two piece matching sets or funerals when more people turn out and family coming in from out of town. 

I wonder did the teachers shop at Joe's or out of town. Because the prices in there is where you went if you had extra money to spend. I always frequented Ms Mitchell and you could always talk her down. But then I started working out of town and found clothes and shoes for me that were cheaper in Jackson and then when children came along and very little help. I began yard sailing and Salvation army in different places and clearance racks and they were happier to see me it seem than I was to see them. I was tired and bitter and married with a house full of children and still felt lonely and out of place in this world and like I don't belong here and I was sad and mad and at home I would yell things to my children and fuss at the man I was married to trying to reraise him and yelling at him trying to make him help out and do something like clean behind your nasty self and he saying I don't need you if you not gone pick up my clothes and I'm with him but don't love the man he is and how bad he make me feel about myself and because I'm weak and beat down with words I can't find it inside of me to love me. I don't know if another person really love me or just telling me what they want me to hear. So it's left up to me to love me some me or no one may ever will love me, myself and I. Being talked down on and never praised or very little praise and more criticism than love and understanding and now realizing I learned from early on how to be negative and dwell on the negative outlook of things, segregation some white teachers didn't want to teach blacks and some black parents didn't want their children learning from white people. History books were different in the south and the ones that had stories of black scientist and black historians were only in colleges and certain ones at that. The broader the school the more expensive it is. More literature from different places and more books to study from cost more money and makes a school better because it offers more.

We hide our reals selves in public because of Karen. Hell I might be a Karen to it all depends on what that other person diid. Let's just say I'm upset with you and I started a fight and then i used the police to get even. What if you beat me real bad or left me for another woman or was playing between my child's legs and I walked in. Would I try and get even or would I call the law to let them get even for me. What if the police use that badge to get even with others who they swore they would protect. Now Sam is a hard working man, Sam is a cop who killed Bob from the other side of the tracks, the man his wife had been cheating on him with. His partner begged him not to do it, but he pulled the trigger anyways shooting the guy in the head and then calling it in to her. And blamed her saying look what you made me do,  And he told his sergeant everything and confessed to the whole thing and promised it would never happen again and Sam get put on office duty or paid time at home to come down from the high and the low place he just went only to be given his badge and gun and told when he may come back or move to another department to work. But if I had been the one who did that to anyone at all I would already be in jail, or if he had been of a certain background of folks he would be in jail. He is out of control and he is not supposed to kill people, what kind of message that would send, you did the crime now do the time. But this is how it goes down when people of a certain color scheme are allowed to kill because they are out of control and get away with it. Go take a drink and cool off see you at work tomorrow, good job, you moving closer to sergeant, a couple more kills you may become a general. I will hold onto your gun and badge until you get back. 

Me yelling and yelling at a man because I really didn't even like him and he didn't like me but we were still together and we have to try and make it work, maybe the feeling that at were there for a brief moment will come back, what happened I feel even worse about him and it is ten years married and the love is fading away. And my son was killed and the love faded even more. 

After the death of Jeremy I realized all the attention Clarence was getting would now go to them, I saw them thru different eyes. Thru eyes of pain and that pain made me realize they were far more important to me than him and even if he did change his attitude towards me I might not love him because at this point I just want this muther fucker the hell away from me, and then my mama died after I was divorced and suddenly I'm not alone, I have five children, I can't take life for granted it is so short and we could lose each other in the blink of an eye so the way I came home from work changed and I tried to turn down the volume of others by staying away from them and their questions and comments and I don't want to say anything hurt anyone or do anything to hurt anyone because I have pissed God off and his wrath is upon me. So glad I let God go, it was making me delusional and not healing properly because he the one called God of the bible would fix this and give me back my happiness and smile and more than enough so I could live a better life and be there for my children all I have to do is believe and it shall happen. Nothing going to happen if I don't try, I can lay in bed all day long, but I try and get up and I do, yippee, still moving and thinking at the same time, whew, many stroke victims and accident victims and peole just born that way think about moving but can't. I pray for a cure from the scientist who help with the process of evolution and not those who think God gone get all the plastic waste from the waters that pose a threat to the earth. Just got so much God we don't care, we the chosen one, chosen to do work not sit around and tell others what to do, that's the masters way. Oprah said master dead time to start living again. 

This Out the door at five in around nine or ten many nights. Children already in bed and after walking around the house and checking on all my children I would then take my bath. 

I would walk back around the house some nights my children would get in the bed with me and some would get on the floor. I was always so happy to see them when I came home. 

You can’t argue facts with a fool

 I’m that fool, very little insight into things and a whole lot of logic I made up in my head because my ways sounds better and no believe in science no education and a daddy who would argue an issue without any facts. 

He could not read and write but he knew what he knew even if he was wrong and he would not admit he was wrong. I no longer want to be like that. I want to know before hand and then express my opinion. There is Google and research and let me hit you back on that. At fifty four I still argue with little facts and no proof

A head with no body

 I’m my worse critic and hate me too because of past mistakes. And don’t know how to forgive myself and move ahead from misdemeanor things that happened as I am maturing while traveling thru space.

I stood before the mirror and looked at myself and said damn I hate the way my body looks again. I stopped telling myself I look old because I have seen older than ninety and not look this bad and then.

Another self said to I what if you have a stroke and this body can no longer move, you would not care how bad it look as long as it moves...

Power to rise above and beyond the critics. Critics are to not without fault, but it’s my closet I’m cleaning

Stealing from others

 Feeling entitled to something and taking it. It’s not my best moment but it has happened. I have taken something that was not mine, a common thief, I have told lies and taken credit for something that was not even mine. I have horns and no halo. And it was not for food on the table to pawn something to pay a bill. It was pretty I wanted it I took it. I want do that again, I feel bad for having done it in the first place. Many have lost a hand for stealing. I’m glad we not there in time anymore, punishment has been harsh and swift for many. Many have taken things back that belonged to their ancestors and were killed for doing so because it was forbidden for them to steal but allowed if you were a certain blood line or a member of a cult. They forgave each other for crimes against themselves and even others but would not forgive others for anything at all. 

I can’t say what I want ever do, I may have to eat food from a garden by night while hiding out with the deer by day just to survive. I have never killed anyone and don’t want to buy anything can happen as I continue to mature and age. I don’t want to be snooty, I like saying hello, but sometimes I walk with my head down so I want have to make eye contact with people and I try not to piss anyone off white people because white people have been known to Lynch others. I don’t think I need to apologize for any acts of sex between two adults. I don’t think it is problem, but there are those who think a man or a woman should be with them because they are enough. I don’t know what enough is to some, but if you fucking her or him I want to know it and keep them away from me because I dont want to get Rebecca. 

There was a time in space when a person would have been stoned to death for having sexual relations and was not married. A girl was not allowed to do as she pleased, she was always her fathers property unless he decided he would marry her off, many women were born into this society and were stoned to death even by their parents. Many were stoned no naming anyone because maybe they were with child because of daddy. 

We not even gone act like that has not happened. But his penis was not chopped off and he was not even stoned and the young lady who may have been castrated already is now pregnant and not wed, it may have been her cousin who she had known and they were to wed but she has a date set to marry him and she is getting bigger each day. 

If her pregnancy is not hidden she may be stoned. Many children were born and not counted for and all knew of a new land that was free to live upon and then others heard about this free land and wanted their cut to.

People have been migrating for centuries and making boats and crossing rivers and rivens before white man came along and claimed them. Many places still live under the persecution of the Catholic laws against them. They now do it to each other is how it was meant to be to curse people forever. Many used words to send signals out to others. The word curse another openly meant you are on your own. They too traveled to the new world. Men so bad they were bought by the kings and queens as part of their army’s. Men who were in jail for killing. But it was ok for god to kill, he had all power over heaven and earth in his hand. Heaven was his home and the earth was yours and he granted himself power over all. He must have been very barbaric and brutal and so were his followers, or god could have been the one to smile in your face and bless you and then come upon you like a thief in the night is what he says. Those ways are still being taught today and the annihilation of mankind rages on and my fears of finding a man who I can believe in until he give me reason not to rages on. 

Where the hell is my energy

I remember being like Katt Williams child, I was like bam, I was there and was excited and annoying as hell to others, I had like an extra burst of energy and loved laughing 

Life had knocked the wind and energy out of me, it an uphill journey just to smile most days and have a laugh that is real and not live in fear of something bad happening 

I went after men the same way, if I wanted sex I would not just come out and ask. We would do it side the road and in the car, and leave and not see them again, not even try, in fact try and hide so they want see me if they want more sex.

I’m not there anymore to many bad relationships have started that way for me. To many men and not any real commitments with each other, just there for the hot sex and nothing more. Giving myself to a man thru sex and then looking for more when nothing but sex was ever there and staying with them because of children and moving along from them because of your children and his lack of respect for the children that are there. 

If he want respect children why you expect him to respect you and if all you wanted was sex from someone you should get a little bit and keep going and nooo, that don’t happen and then bam you in a loveless marriage because you realize you don’t like this person and never have. Now I after all the pain and suffering I want out. Or maybe I was the selfish one to keep on having sex with someone I don’t even like, that’s how you supposed to do that one. Sex with the one you don’t really want so you can easily move on and now you find out you pregnant again and damn all I wanted was the sex, I should have stopped seeing him a while back, but the sex is so go, you can’t leave. Or the sex so bad you can’t wait for it to be over, no affection at all, just pure lust and love for the sex make me go back to a person I don’t even like. And then there is the not gone be by myself because of what others are going to say. You got children not married, no one will want you and yet someone does happen to want me but all I think about is the sexual aspect of the relationship, sex has been one of the only things that brought me real pleasure in a world of hateful and spiteful people and then there is the self righteous like me who think just because I go to church nothing bad is supposed to happen to me or my loved one because god forgave the debt and all that hot buck naked sex and chasing men to get some and even sex with married men, and talking shit and trying to be bad and bold and stand up for myself but is really afraid deep within.

Afraid to try and stand because I have been knocked down and told noooooooooooooooo and some more oooooo. If o’s could represent the amount of time I have been told no I would get tired of holding the no button. Being told no helps build character in children. I’m glad I was told no so much, I have plenty regrets, I have taken things without asking, I now know better and understand why I should not take things even if the other person is dead and not wearing them anymore, that does not even matter. It’a the way that person left it and just because I don’t know for a fact may be the way they wanted it left after they were dead and gone and it had laid there untouched until I came along cleaning and took it, I felt guilty as hell and then I was going to put it back and it’s still missing to this day. I make sure I don’t take anything anymore without asking. 

I have been told no so much and punished so much for being bad I don’t even know how to fly and soar anymore. I don’t even want to leave my room many days and I feel unloved and like I want ever find a man who is really down with me, will I run him off, is he crazy for wanting me and then I’m afraid to even go out because I’m afraid I will mess it up somehow some way it is all my fault. 

I have been blamed for things I do and was punished for it make it not my fault but I was still punished just for being here. My mom talked to me like she hated me, I was the worse mistake she ever made and hear it sometimes and then I take off running from it, my mind take me elsewhere, either out of my room or to a gaming system. I don’t remember well either because I was always going and not thinking until the weed came into my life.

I’m tired of being insane, I need my mind to grow and mature. Insane only thinks things should not change. Flowers change trees change, babies learn to walk and learn to eat and learn to cook and feed. If a man don’t cook he should at least know how to. Tired men made women tend to them, they were chasing the young ones and not bringing home food. Wife was fucking for change to keep the rent paid and then here comes this unexpected red head freckled face baby looking just like the milk man. 

Now hubby know why plenty milk and butter and butter milk stay in the ice box. Many men left home for work each day and never brought home money to help keep a place. And there was always this man who was willing to pay them bills for him, now he taking out of his house to keep up someone else house but lots of men had money like that. Your husband was where the action is, the action was music and dance and alcohol which was on the back streets and down long steps and cost a lot to have. Many men lost their wallet there with all of their money and the wallet was found on the street in the trash. We all have secrets but are not willing to forgive each other and because of how unforgiving we can be we all suffer and do without.

Love who you want

 Many young ones have been sexed by older people, to young to know what was happening. They were not sexed by someone their own age who may have been mimicking what they both have seen. Many children have been and still are being molested by an adult, small children are being rubbed the wrong way. We love affection and touching, it helps sore muscles and tight ones to. Many have affection and sex crossed, love and sex tangled up. Affection may have fooled ya when you got caught tangled between sex and love. 

Love is the scale of things you desire. I love alcohol, well not really. I like a little bit and I want to cut it off before the sick in the stomach and the spin of my head. It's not easy cutting it off though. I now wake to a beer and have liquor more thru out the day and doing even less than before. I feel most of my push is gone right out the window. Finding a mate is not easy because I like affection and sex to. Finding someone who don't wanna just go to bed and get it over with is not easy, or I'm not lucky. True, men do hit on me and did a lot when I was growing up but all they wanted was to give me leftovers or let's fuck and get it over with. I'm at a age where I know I have made some bad choices. My mama and her sisters would take me along for the ride and boy oh boy did they like talking shit. I learned a lot of my ways from them. But at the end of the fuck session it was my decision and I usually felt bad about certain choices after the fact.

Many small children are killed so they will shut up. Hit to hard that it took them out, beat so bad they passed out from the blows upside they head only to wake in a tub of cold water may never think right again if they wake up. Molested for sex, boys raped up the ass, taking away his man hood and killing him to keep his mouth shut or beating him so bad he now acts out because he is being abused at home. 

Things have changed since the bible days, hip hip hooray. Master can no longer do what he wants with his property. Laws were put into place for the rights of others because of gods and goddesses and kings and queens claiming the world as theirs because God made it. God had other children to, Jesus was an outside child, Mary, virgin molested by God, but promised to another one. Mary knew what happened but others called her crazy and she was treated like an outcast, this old white man, a spirit a ghost walked from that way and had sex with me. She probably was given holy water and passed out. These were the sanctuary, safe haven, but molesting little children was happening. 

This is where men with peculiar taste went to, the kings sat in the big chair and his most trusted at either side and armed men behind the curtains. And the children walked down a runway isle so the men could see and place bids for the person they wanted. There were some kings who bought little boys to and the priest helped get the children or person ready for the sale.

Children had it hard during war times. Sanctuary was in certain places and known as a place of safety but it was not. Mary was molested and sold from there to the highest bidder and now she pregnant to. Joseph returned wanting a full refund because she is already with child and you say you don't know what happened. And God from behind a wall, supposed to be a spirit lying to Joseph saying he simply blew on her with his holy spirit and bam she pregnant. 

The walls had ears and a real live man hiding out so you want know who he is but he know what you just confessed. No one was supposed to be behind those walls, this was where you go to confess and seek forgiveness only to be blackmailed by the king who somehow know you had sex with his property, aka wifey, as many as he had you better not touch his merchandise. God was selfish and petty and wanted it all. This way of life put him on the run. The sanctuary is supposed to be a clean place for marriage and blessings and celebration and the were running a slave market underneath. All this put the priest on the run, including God who went away to his hideout, heaven. Did he stay gone, no. He planned one last kidnapping, Jesus. Mary and joseph was in hiding from God because she knew he was going to sell Jesus to the highest bidder. So God sent men after her to bring her back before his greatest disappearing act.

Mary went to the courts and told of the one who hide in the walls along with others molested her and many other small children who were stolen away from their parents or running that way for safety had no one to fight for them until Mary went before the council to save her life. She told of the rooms under the sanctuary and the hallways behind the walls with secret rooms and how young children are sold and some sacraficed for a meal. It is where the men with peculiar taste and perverted ways come seeking certain things like drugs and weapons she had never seen before and relics that were stolen and sold to the highest bidder. She was supposed to be sleep from the water she was given, but the water she said tasted peculiar and she held it in her mouth and spit it out when he moved on to the next person. How knows why Mary was left alone at the sanctuary but it gave God the time he needed to have sex with her. Once she drank the holy water or drugged water she may have passed out and came to ina room or passed out on the floor and.

Old men hiding inside the walls fooling others into thinking they could run here for help. Only to be molested by someone who is afraid of getting caught because many think those ways are perverted. Perverted men were put to death God burned down two cities because of what was called perverted ways. God allowed it but you had to own them. God thought it was ok to take little girls into his bed just not boys.  The ones he call his angels were molesting little boys who come there and then selling them as property to anyone who would buy a boy. It was hard to keep boys because they love chasing girls had to be broken. So they molested them into submission and they no longer fought against masters wishes. Sex was forbidden outside of the sanctuary or castle without permission from God of king, same thing, because you were his property and he wanted to control how and when a man and woman can have sex, or when the master of the house can have sex if they were his property. 

If you lived in his kingdom you had to abide by his rules or you may be put to death. God was the only one in his kingdom that did not have to have permission to have sex. Everyone needed permission to fuck in heaven. But that is not what was happening, women and men were having sex without permission and having babies and this could get your child killed or eaten who knows. Did I write God telling Abraham to cook and feed his only son to him, to sacrifice him so that I may have a meal. Shitting me, he must have been really frightening for Abraham to tie his own son up and is going to offer him up until someone got there with that damn ram. 

The bible sounds like court documents written in with other books written by other people. I ask myself is it all true or is it made up and I look at things people are capable of today and realize yes, but because of laws God was no longer able to do lawless things in the lands, and it appears he may have been on the run and hiding out in the walls and was caught when Mary told on him. But what if no one believe her when she went to file a report, she them realize it is God, the one who laid with her, he to is the judge. And Mary saw him and pointed him out and showed them all the secret doors and rooms and tables and cages with children in them. 

God may have went on the run to his hideout heaven that no one could find except a few. Which was it Luke or Peter who said I was in the spirit on the lord's day. He may have been drugged before he was taken or drugged and dreamed the whole thing in his head.

No child deserves to have a full grown adult who feel they have to hide out because of violating another and a sense of wrong when it is happening. Children deserve to pick and choose when they want to give away their sex to no matter if they the same sex or not, as long as they say yes and it is not taken by another while they say no and cry and can't even function in life normally anymore. 

It's your choice who you want to love in your life, please take precautions when having sexual intercourse. Use a cover so sperm want eat your body up. More sex means more sperm eating at you and not being able to reproduce any healthy living cells inside of the body. And the body not capable of killing it off, not unless it is in the vagina. The vagina is equipped with a natural spermicide to kill off sperm and reuse it inside the female body. The rectum does not offer such a defense system and sperm can spread throughout the human body eating at it and causing sickness. Imagine small children who are molested through their rectum and this goes on over and over again and sperm is eating at him and he falls sick and no one thinks to check and see if he is being molested and it is sperm that is eating this child alive. Many men will have sex with his daughter in her rectum so she want become pregnant. She just get sick from it. And then when she married a virgin she allowed her husband her rectum to and now she is sick and loosing blood and no one know why cancer struck her down. And then gay men willing to come out to expose their way of life for health reasons  to only be openly ridiculed by some of the same men who were molesting them. And now God has punished them with HIV and AIDS. Why God didn't punish the man who was sneaking into his room at night, he the one who made him that way and now he afraid his dirty little secret coming out. Many boys are killed to cover up the wrong of other. 

Devine Waters is the place

Devine Waters is a made up place in my head. When I can't find peace in my mind because of reality I go to an imaginary place, Devine Waters.

Devine Waters has people who love other people more than things, they are a group of people who don't have to live under the rule of the government. They have their own police and judges. Uncle Greely is the judge and my grandmother, mother who happens to be the high sheriff.

Nanner is a Nurse Midwife who has traveled back and forth between the Us and Africa. She has lots of cures for many things in this area and she deliver babies. She know how to remove a baby from your belly to. She was head of her class in everything but English, she would often say I'm not English, I'm African and they have to understand the difference of our cultures.

Nanner says I came here a free woman and married a Native American man and traveled back and forth and he and I had that I understanding that I would always travel home ever so often just to see how everyone is doing. He said yes to that and we married and we had the money's thAt were asked and we bought much land and lived along the rivers of what is called Savannah Ga.

We were always friends with the whites until the Lynches occupied the land that joins ours. The Lynches did not think we should have land next to his and set out to have our land taken away, but we had the seal from Queen Isabella herself, that we were willing to live in peace with her and her people if they promise to just leave us alone. She agreed and we paid for the seal and when the rules of the queen no longer applied to this land I went before the courts to be granted freedom from the government, ,we were never listed as their property. Lynch fought and fought to take away our land but he has not won until this day and they still need permission until this day to enter onto our land. 

Most people want travel thru the swamps we occupy, but we use to it and treat the swamps with respect and inturn the swamp respects us.

People have been migrating here for years, the islands have always helped each other along until white man landed there...

What is a sacrifice anyways

 If you think taking a life will make your heart stronger...nope

Eat right and exercise and don’t sacrifice a life because it will not make you any stronger and you want live any longer...Unless

We don’t know what a sacrifice was, and we don’t know how long mankind has been sacrificing young and we don’t really know what a sacrifice was meant for. It could have been for the sole purpose of harvesting organs so they or someone they love and worship may live a bit longer...

Harvesting organs may have been why the young was sacrificed in the first place. Maybe to extend the life of ones they called god, the ones who were scientists and alchemist and magicians and sorcerers and great footers. Everyone seems to have a price tag, and organs have an even greater price tag. The dead ain’t worth shit. 

We don’t know why so many young children have went missing, we just know they gone and have not come back. We don’t know who scooping them up, not all white vans are picking up helpless children and taking them off. A white van is what coroners use. Mortician and EMT’s and officers and doctors and people with greater knowledge than round the block Bob would have to remove a heart.

I pray that such places and people are exposed and brought to the open...throw the sheets off of them...open the coffins and let the dead scream from their grave for vengeance against them, that they shall be persecuted before the law and brought to justice. None should be murdered that others may live, but if someone has no chance at all, then you still have the right to say no, because we just don’t know. I want to trust others until they give me reason not to. But because of all the things I see day after day, I live in fear of others, I just have no choice but to believe in them and hope and pray they mean me no ham as I too mean them no harm, I know I’m not alone and that helps me to trust in others until I can’t anymore.

This is another level of my insanity because of what people are capable of life has made me more afraid and more aware. The more aware I am the more afraid I become and then my anxiety sets in and soon my fear of a predator stealing my life or the life of those I love most....

When I think to deep I freeze us all

I look to my left for a man to be there at that moment when I need the advice of an educated man, a mate, a partner, a friend, a lover...my love and many more things he will be if he pisses me off way to bad. A man my own age with a whole lot of things in common. 

I’m still maturing and aging and learning how to maintain my composure while in public. After all many of us look upon other humans as nothing more than an animal, a savage, a prey something that is not even worth living, how fucking dare you put a fucking price on the life of another. The most sacred thing on this planet....LIFE. Bang we are here....many planets elsewhere and we can’t get there to get away from the hateful, spiteful and evil things we do to one another, because boy oh boy it would not be far enough for plenty of folks like myself who tired of being treated like a prey. 

You can beat bet if we could leave Earth and go to another planet the ones who hate having Americans, for the simple of you born here upon these soils it is currently called USA you are American, but since we is so damn simple I will break it down, if you hate Native Americans, oh I’m native to America I was born here, please go a bit further so as to understand ones self better or think more clearly so I can mature a little more so maybe I can feel a bit settle in my sport. Ok, African Americans, native, Black American (born here, native), Chinese American, native, or Hispanic or Jews and please don’t forget the Whites that are native and born here, we are all classified as Americans. I say native I was born here around 1966 making me Native to the land. If all people came from Africa who is Native, we all Migrants living in a land held hostage by hate ignorance and fear upheld by a fraction called the government, the underworld but away with their harsh treatment of others this morning. I want give them any more light to help them shine. Because we all in the valley trying to get home, surrounded with wolves looking for prey. 

Any rate they would follow us and try and kill us all just for leaving the hate we have to endure and on a daily basis. The insanities we have to endure on a daily basis. I know I’m crazy ass hell. But it’s always a pleasure to know I’m not the only one, I know your are but what am I. Those who hate us most because of the color of skin, why? Most of us hate someone for a reason, a real hater hates for no reason and will kill for no reason other than it’s been taught as acceptable and if you work for us you can get away with killing because no one will come against us is how many think because they got all those hired gun. What is a hired gun, a person willing to kill for money when the order is given. And it is acceptable in the society I live in, if only knew of a shortcut to the moon, if only I knew a way to open a portal and travel to another place that I can live and breath in the air. And hopefully it want be filled with unkind folks who hate others because of something that can’t be helped.

How do we know people have not been traveling from planet to planet, how do we know the Moon and Mars and Venus and Pluto and all the planets didn’t USE to look like Earth and along came the humans, worse than spiders and the T Rex and the Crocks and Gators. Maybe we have been traveling for decades and destroying for decades . 

Maybe the earth itself the inside and the core are still growing or maturing to fast because of us and will one day be a big rock and we do so much to speed up the process. But remember we are in the digestive of the system we live in. Like we are on a big old seed, a sperm, we may be in prostate area or the ovaries. Is this system we live in male or female. I often wonder. This is how my mind works, it bounces from thing to thing and my body will try and keep up and the faster the better and I blame it on riding on fast things like cars and rides at fairs and amusement parks and commercials after short commercials keep the mind skipping and not slowing down to think.

We the people live inside the earth, the earth lives inside of something that mankind may be likened unto, like a shape or an object, I call that the system. In space I called that a galaxy. I feel we have many galaxies out there in the universe. 

Because of the difference of each planet I feel if there is life on that planet, beyond what we can see. I believe  it is different than what we see here. Now if the universe has no end then there would be no end to the darkness we would see if the sun were to go out. Oh the importance of something that is so very important. We would put it out if we could we so mad.

Or would the going out of the sun show other light. How does a no end work, but without sun the galaxies will soon freeze taking everything back to ice..

That’s how deep I think and it can be annoying...

Skipping along singing songs walking in this wonderful land

Good morning, it is yet another Monday, seems like time in the Earth is a fast rock skidding along on an ocean. Or a big boat cruising alone on the oceans of this galaxy, or digestive system we live in, I wonder what will our next stop be. What galaxy will we pass thru and is their any other life form like us in the universe, anymore galaxies that is. 

I feel the universe is never ending but has different galaxies occupying the space. With each galaxy having its own shape or a sphere far and near, and are we the only galaxy with our way of life in the universe

If I would call the earth an organ in the galaxy we are in it would be the colon, the waste system. We see it all here on Earth, mother's killing her young, father's killing their young. First place I read of such a great sacracife was the bible, some call it a test, God called it a meal. Maybe God came from a custom where it customary to eat the young to survive. The youngest child was sacracifed to save the rest because of how scarce food was because of where they had lived during the evolution of this planet.  And many only had children just in case there was nothing left to eat. How do we know, were we there, i did hear about the movie alive because I didn't want to see the pain associated with the movie. This is real life here they are talking about. If there was abscance of food everywhere we travel together I wonder how long before we do what those men had to do to survive. God told us how to prepare a little one. 

This past year has taught me one important thing. All the food could run out here in America because of the ones we vote for want to control supply to keep us in control. The president do not worry about any house but the white house. But we are more concerned with the white house than our house. We can't wait to try and run the white house. Our vote may count but our opinion don't mean shit. Why we the people can't vote on any new laws. They affect us and not them, the untouchables. They are all mob bosses, the underworld who created offices and laws and wars and take what ever I want type of thing that is real. 

All the following and watching them made them famous. We think it is good to be a bad person because they get more praise and do better in life when they are ruthless, just blow your head off type of person, kill a whole family, village, nation and I want stop killing until they are all dead and yell wow when it's done, what a rush. Ruthless type just waiting for someone to piss them off, tree on their should it's to big to be a chip.

Staying home has made me realize where most of my stresses come from. And now we are in the midst of expressing our feelings about equality in this country and many are like me, afraid because there is so much tendon here anyways, because we still are not allowed to talk about slavery other than in schools. People are afraid to have those conversations in the streets alone because they are afraid of how it will turn out. So they gather together in mass crowds and gangs. Screaming back and forth, refusing to listen to each other because I just don't want to hear it. Slavery is gone just let it go, I didn't own any slaves. How did they get slaves here take it up with that person.

Queen Isabella sponsored Christopher Columbus trip to what the aliens called a new world. It was a trip across the ocean to a land that was occupied and not claimed. The people there were friendly and welcoming it was part of their nature. They were close with the animal, very loving people, share and share more and more and it was never enough with these distant travelers who meant them harm.

Staying home has given me a new mind called my survival skills need to be improved. Find a way to have your very own business and keep all the proceeds, it's my hard work that earned it, I'm tired of others taking it with a system that only protects them all while we allow it because we want our cut too of stolen things and taken things and killing each other and drinking blood and eating and eating and eating anything is why I feel like we are in the colon of the galaxy of the universe we live in. The digestive system, or colon. We will eat anything and say it's acceptable. But is it a learned behavior or is it nature made and called survival.

The good owned people

 The good ones, see no evil hear no evil and you better not speak any evil. Tell nothing there will be nothing for you to worry about.

Keep your head down and move to the side, get out of my way when you see me coming. Many of us still suffer with that syndrome today. Some walk past as if you not there, women hold more doors than men, she also holds a lot of hands.

Women, women, woman don’t you hear me talking to you, you little gyp ass bitch, you ain’t going to amount to nothing you little whore. Now after about right here, I don’t remember what else she was saying, I do remember shut the hell up and get your lil ugly ass outside, if a man ever want you he has to be crazy. But you could not fuck with me like that. I brought you into this world and I will take you out. 

When will the healing began, we continue to walk with our head down all while holding others up. It’s time for us all to stand tall and walk. Walk with pride no matter the count of your pack. Packs are smaller because we can’t get along, our own children have to leave away from us or in my case can’t wait to leave the verbal and physical abuse and emotional, I’m praying hard to renew my spirit and my mind that I’m no longer hurt because of the past. Power to walk out of it and into something new with each day I’m given. Power to walk in faith that if I get up and go I will and can keep going. Power to run from the d word. And no not dick, I’m looking for the one who want to try and embark on an adventure into all the tomorrows we can pull from the hat of life. All them other D’s like dizziness, think I’m gone die. Depresion, I’m about to die. Diarrhea, oh I’m about to Die. If I faint not in my youth, shall the latter years offer more laughter and just the amount of rain and food and shelter, the same as you have been providing, strength by strength we go on, the strength from others may be few and far, but they do exist, so we have to keep going so we can help other to go on along. If we were meant to be we would not be here, big ups to my Mother, my moms for sparing my life before my creation. To my sperm donor I do understand the circumstances of you not being a part of my life and thanks for sparing my life, you validated me when you came to my job to meet me and introduce yourself to me and give me a phone number where I could reach out to you. Thank you for sending me the money I needed to get the transmission fixed in my van when I lived in Texas. I could not believe you did that, I was so afraid to ask you for the money, thanks for showing me love, thanks for three sisters I don’t have in my life, but I know they are there and don’t really want to get to know me at all, I’m ok, but not ok with that, I need balance there. My Daddy, my Father, my Pops, my Charlie, when I saw him coming it was on and popping, I was going to start running towards him yelling daddy, daddy. He would reach out and I would jump, soon I was to big to jump. My dad would often say to those who challenge what a dad is, my name on her birth certificate. That make me her my child. He never beat me not once, he never cussed at me but would say come on baby gal, calyn gal come on. I love and miss you and my mom. Thank you for the balance. 

We are all part of the struggle

 Blacks, Asians, Hispanics, Latino's, Jews, Israelites, Russians, Americans, Pakastians, German's, Haitians, Jamaicans, and all those who are born a human.

We struggle on a daily basis because we so separated by boundaries and languages and customs. Why are we so unwelcoming to others.

I bigotries and prejudices cause us to discriminate against other humans other people other men and women and children and elderly and fats and thins and homosexuals and blinds and sick and well and rich and poor and browns and slanted eyes and blue eyes and blond hair and the Spanish lady who just happened to be there on the bus along with me as I traveled to Covington to see about my daddy.

She said we, the lady beside me and myself, she accused of us not belonging in the good old US of A, the land of the free the home of the brave. Now as for me I can only speak for myself. I was born here in 1966 and so was my parents and so was their parents and so was my grandmother parents, now before that I'm not clear but my grandmother would often say we were from the Cherokee tribe. DNA proved her wrong, but I have only had one done, I do want a second opinion, by the mouth of two or three let ever word be established.

The other lady may have been born here as well, just because they are of Hispanic or latin heritage does not mean they were not born and raised upon these soils. The american lady then went on to say she was of african descent and we better not talk about her in spanish because she speak Spanish and African. Ok, I was still speechless and looked to my left at the lady who smiled at me and I then looked back at the lady, thinking I'm not Spanish, why is she yelling at me, but at that point I was glad to be Hispanic and not American. We have been so bitter towards others for no reason at all.

We have been verbally and physically abused so long we have learned how to hate and no longer love. The bible leads the way, how can you say you love !e if you will toss me into hell so I will burn forever more with no relief. And there are those living who want the same thing for others, b cause to hate and be brutal was the way of God so his followers are brutal without even knowing how brutal they really are.

We are all humans, but not all the same...

This is claimd land

 The government landed on certain shores claiming land that was occupied.

Others peacefully did the same thing. They just laid claim thru the court and thru a system they themselves did so willingly do and did solemnly without any other consent needed set up and declared itself the owner of the world because it was man made by him or her or it or they or whom. Not an empty space either, but land that had other people living on it. In order to take the territory you want, no one can be on it and you have to get permission from the heads of the ones who occupied the terratory. Many wanted the whole thing so they want have to deal with anyone over them. To un-occupy the territory you want to run means riding it of all those there, or hanging onto the little ones and making babies with them was outlawed and they had to have a piece of paper, or the land had to be un-occupied.

And now we have the bloodline feeling more superior than others because their father created everything. They were probably at home not even knowing what their father was capable of until they were older. They lived in huge houses that were cold and drafty in hideouts with all the treasures that were taken from others. Killings with brute force where they live is forbidden or they will kill your whole bloodline off. Many would only defend, but God blood line kill just to have more terratory to run than others.  They were brutal with the things they were willing to do to others just to have more terratory.

Now they have allies, maybe the bloodline was used at some point in time to determine who would rule this terratory left many alone so they had to now employ allies to help them get what they want as far as they can travel.  Was the catholic a particular bloodline, and then it was the Christians. So Satan, Lucifer, Devil, Serpent, were all gods children, they were the Catholic's. Jesus came from another mother making him a Christ. Jesus Christ, son of Mary and Joseph Christ was not supposed to be here. Mary and Joseph was just married, Mary was not with child or was she. Mary kept Jesus hidden under her roomy clothes and no one knew he was there. Many women who had come to know their sutor would have sex prior to gods approval of the marriage. If you had sex without consent, God would put you to death. Many women and the baby lost their lives. God was the only one who was allowed to have sex with the little ones. 

Many whites were living here in peace, away from the government and their way of thinking. And because so many more were peaceful than not safety was of no concern. 

Many escaped from their homeland so they would not be killed just for being a man. Men have always be used as the best example to break down, the bigger and stronger the better. Many escape here everyday because here they have a voice. But it cost a lot to get involved with the government, the underworld. The hit men who became allies and worked together to take what they want. 

Children often  want their way. Now let's imagine a boy who wanted it all and because of his learning in his father's home he knew many secrets that belonged to others and he was not of age to understand the power of a powder that could blow up things. And cause a spark and smoke and do so many neat tricks that were used by his people as they entertained. 

Monkeys love of shiny things and they love to mimic us will take away earrings and you not even know it. This boy noticed a way to use the monkey for himself. He loved shiny objects to and hated being told no and what he can and cannot do. He trained his money and then he would send his monkey onto your shoulders and then mirror the monkey. Touch his ear trick, the boy would tug at his ear and the monkey would tug at your ear. The boy would study the ears in the audience and ask a person to stand up and the monkey become a part of the trick and the low lights and the ear lobe numb from those tight clamp on earrings. Many had their ears pierced so they would not lose those precious stones left by someone who was gone. He needed for nothing, his father already had rule over many and much and his children already had terratory. But they also had a hideout. 

Our ancestors had many skills and great crafts and worked for pleasure and fun and had their own crops and food and suddenly it was taken away by a man who seemed to hate looking at them and simply wanted them dead because he wanted it all. Maybe he was moses and led people astray, maybe he wrote his own book as he went along. Maybe he wrote of what he remembers of what he did after he was captured of after he went away to his hideout. 

But he had the power to persuade others to do what he wanted. Same techniques are done today to continue the cycle of hypnosis and power of suggestions thru television, now the internet even worse than television and the bible.  

People now have access to make their own live horror shows now with little cost. Maybe this is a new research project, to see how the human cattle entertains us now. The government need something to govern. Without bad behavior we want need the police, judges, lawyers, army, military and all that brutal force so it has to continue to be taught. We really have a peaceful spirit, but it has been pushed to the brink of extinction.

 Each time it was the government showing what they are capable of. And many who fear something like Hiroshima, and those who are kept at the end of the pistol, like we still in the wild wild west. Many live in fear of that hot bullet taking them out, because somewhere in the back of our mind we feel we can take you on, one on one, toe to toe and may the best win. But the use of excessive law is forbidden by us but permitted for the one who put the law in place, who do they answer to when they get outta control and out of hand. Many will say they only answer to God because they know God gone and they will die before they answer to anyone else. But they will try and kill you before you try and make them answer for dirt they did. And they support their horrible way of life with a system they set into place and will use any means necessary to protect their way of life.

Many laid claim here the right way, they asked and if they were told no, they moved on, if they were told yes they took a long trip to the courts and an x and a spit in the hand and the land now bare the seal that will be upheld in the courts of the systems that now rave rule over this land that they have laid claim to. 

Many had no intention of paying a price for the land. They had plans of taking it all with the queen using money to hire guns to kill....

Brute force was used and none was left to claim the land they had always lived upon. The land is now unoccupied and it was upheld in the system they themselves set up. And the people still suffer at the hands of this system that says thou shalt not kill, it has nothing to do with me. 

No weapon formed shall be used

 It’s a phrase I would like to hear that is now being used. Not unless they tried to kill you in your own home...

Why should the people pay for secret service when we live in fear...

Many of us have to stand alone and defend ourselves 

I want the us government to do that

To stand alone and fight with your bare hands knuckle to foot, foot to mouth and hand to teeth if you wish to take a life of another, all those you want dead fight them and kill them, run like the lion towards them and fight. 

No weapons formed shall be used, toes to the eye type of shit, I want you dead so bad, I grabbed you with my bare hands type of shit. Many live in fear everyday everywhere with the fear that it will soon happen to them because killing is so bad and so widespread. We seem to cheer it on, so I live in fear and many like me who just want to get along and have a conversation and a cold something along with a hot meal. What the matter Zion, what the hell going on. Love has become confusing and has me scared as hell.

Why am I so scared and so afraid, because everybody is killing, everyone wanna kill and yell at others and that is so unsettling to me, will someone just pull a gun and open fire.

I pulled a gun on a man I was afraid of once, but I soon realized I did not want to pull the trigger. I don’t want to play guns anymore. 

May the best man win and even after he won, he still have stand alone just like I do. They should be locked away, not children who don’t know the harm a gun may cause and we can’t blame them because we allow them to see people shooting at others on tv and making comments about others who ain’t fit to live. And then giving them guns to play with, and then telling them they not a toy, guns are confusing to children. They can look the same to me, so I know they confusing to children.

And please all those willing to throw another out of their own home because of taxes, remember what goes around comes around. Let those who want me out come kick me out, stop being pimped out. Stop being another mans whore, if he want it let him take it. Power to the people to defend their own homes and all their dwellings, no trespassing from the us government without asking. No taking no roadways and no taking no more land unless you ready to put in all the foot work to move them and you have to go before the Supreme Court, do your own research and no no taxes you have to work for a living like I do

We can all work together to build defense weapons and technology, no more tax dollars to buy it. If you don’t want to work with the people do it yourself and all those who wish to be employed by you and shorter contracts and I can leave if I want and don’t have to be worried about you locking me up if I say enough is enough for me and I want pull the trigger 

No gangs, no gang colors, no republicans demonstrated democratic and shetights and no Hindus and no religious affiliation and gangs signs and cults affiliations. Keep it at home. You can do what you want at home and no one can just show up and kick in your door and shoot and kill you through your windows and walk away like nothing ever happened. A pay on the wrist and no one wants to acknowledge that who fighting to get into the White House for the people

If you want tax dollars you have to come to my door and ask for them and then tell me why I owe you anything