Where the hell is my energy

I remember being like Katt Williams child, I was like bam, I was there and was excited and annoying as hell to others, I had like an extra burst of energy and loved laughing 

Life had knocked the wind and energy out of me, it an uphill journey just to smile most days and have a laugh that is real and not live in fear of something bad happening 

I went after men the same way, if I wanted sex I would not just come out and ask. We would do it side the road and in the car, and leave and not see them again, not even try, in fact try and hide so they want see me if they want more sex.

I’m not there anymore to many bad relationships have started that way for me. To many men and not any real commitments with each other, just there for the hot sex and nothing more. Giving myself to a man thru sex and then looking for more when nothing but sex was ever there and staying with them because of children and moving along from them because of your children and his lack of respect for the children that are there. 

If he want respect children why you expect him to respect you and if all you wanted was sex from someone you should get a little bit and keep going and nooo, that don’t happen and then bam you in a loveless marriage because you realize you don’t like this person and never have. Now I after all the pain and suffering I want out. Or maybe I was the selfish one to keep on having sex with someone I don’t even like, that’s how you supposed to do that one. Sex with the one you don’t really want so you can easily move on and now you find out you pregnant again and damn all I wanted was the sex, I should have stopped seeing him a while back, but the sex is so go, you can’t leave. Or the sex so bad you can’t wait for it to be over, no affection at all, just pure lust and love for the sex make me go back to a person I don’t even like. And then there is the not gone be by myself because of what others are going to say. You got children not married, no one will want you and yet someone does happen to want me but all I think about is the sexual aspect of the relationship, sex has been one of the only things that brought me real pleasure in a world of hateful and spiteful people and then there is the self righteous like me who think just because I go to church nothing bad is supposed to happen to me or my loved one because god forgave the debt and all that hot buck naked sex and chasing men to get some and even sex with married men, and talking shit and trying to be bad and bold and stand up for myself but is really afraid deep within.

Afraid to try and stand because I have been knocked down and told noooooooooooooooo and some more oooooo. If o’s could represent the amount of time I have been told no I would get tired of holding the no button. Being told no helps build character in children. I’m glad I was told no so much, I have plenty regrets, I have taken things without asking, I now know better and understand why I should not take things even if the other person is dead and not wearing them anymore, that does not even matter. It’a the way that person left it and just because I don’t know for a fact may be the way they wanted it left after they were dead and gone and it had laid there untouched until I came along cleaning and took it, I felt guilty as hell and then I was going to put it back and it’s still missing to this day. I make sure I don’t take anything anymore without asking. 

I have been told no so much and punished so much for being bad I don’t even know how to fly and soar anymore. I don’t even want to leave my room many days and I feel unloved and like I want ever find a man who is really down with me, will I run him off, is he crazy for wanting me and then I’m afraid to even go out because I’m afraid I will mess it up somehow some way it is all my fault. 

I have been blamed for things I do and was punished for it make it not my fault but I was still punished just for being here. My mom talked to me like she hated me, I was the worse mistake she ever made and hear it sometimes and then I take off running from it, my mind take me elsewhere, either out of my room or to a gaming system. I don’t remember well either because I was always going and not thinking until the weed came into my life.

I’m tired of being insane, I need my mind to grow and mature. Insane only thinks things should not change. Flowers change trees change, babies learn to walk and learn to eat and learn to cook and feed. If a man don’t cook he should at least know how to. Tired men made women tend to them, they were chasing the young ones and not bringing home food. Wife was fucking for change to keep the rent paid and then here comes this unexpected red head freckled face baby looking just like the milk man. 

Now hubby know why plenty milk and butter and butter milk stay in the ice box. Many men left home for work each day and never brought home money to help keep a place. And there was always this man who was willing to pay them bills for him, now he taking out of his house to keep up someone else house but lots of men had money like that. Your husband was where the action is, the action was music and dance and alcohol which was on the back streets and down long steps and cost a lot to have. Many men lost their wallet there with all of their money and the wallet was found on the street in the trash. We all have secrets but are not willing to forgive each other and because of how unforgiving we can be we all suffer and do without.