This morning I laughed as the puppies play with a toy, they each has on that makes a squeaky sound as they chew on a certain spot. And it ruffles like paper.
And now my mind shifts to death and dying and not being ready to, not yet anyways. Oh how great it would be if I could live until I’m ready to die. What if I only think I wanna live forever, what if the quality of my life shifts because my body fails me and things change so badly I can no longer move around but just lay there and look and listen, not even have the ability to speak with others, no body movements at all, just my eyes. Would I want to live like that, laying there in shit and pee and itching and everyone is sleeping and a rat is in my bed or a roach in my face and I can’t run it away and can’t yell to anyone for help, and I still don’t know if I would be ready for the great mystery called death my greatest adversary!
As I write about this hidden figure, I still have a fear of death lingering over me like a shadow, it’s just there with its elbows resting upon my shoulders and weighing me down with its weight. No help to me just excess weight to drag along. Like someone is holding be around my ankles and I’m trying hard to walk away from them but they just want let me go and it’s draining to live in fear of death. Why should I fear what I know is going to happen. Power to release that fear, power to pick each finger away from around my ankles one by one and move forward away from you until we are one.
Power to drop you like a bad habit because I’m tired of being an addict of you. I’m tired of the hangovers I suffer from and the withdrawals I have when I wake in the morning or before bed each night, there you are for me to wrestle with again and the symptoms of you are so strong I can feel them coming on.
Power to stop caring so much more about you than I do life, power to stop being and addict of you because one day we will be one for all eternity. As for now please allow me the opportunity to enjoy life. Life, life, living, breathing, moving around, taken away in a brief moment. Life, short lived for many, long and prosperous for many, but eternal for none, not unless there is a place a secret place where time stops for many and is turned back for those few who keep it all to self and deny many a longer life.
If god is still alive and not dead and gone then I should be able to live a longer life as well. The Bible speaks of god as if he is dead already but implies that he lives. He was liken into a natural man and then he was in his home heaven and what about Moses, was he really god and no one knew the difference. Moses learned how to hide out of sight at a young age. He was hidden in the walls of the castle away from his grandfather because his mother was not supposed to be having sex with anyone, because she was either not married and that was a no no, to have a baby without being married would get a woman killed. Or it could have been because she was property of the king and was not allowed to have sex with your mate unless the king gave you permission to mate. This was a form of population control, different methods are being used today. They come upon you like a thief in the night, you want know what happened if you live beyond the control of mankind by the kings and pharaohs and presidents and rulers of the people in your regions. They were more open with killing in the Bible days, my kingdom is greater than yours and my family is greater and my father is greater and so on and so the people become property and are openly killed and abused and the mother is stoned to death or beheaded because she was the property of another and not allowed to think for self. And even if she was the wife of another she was still property of the ruling force and Moses lived in the shadows of the castle in the walls listening and learning secrets and fooling people into thinking a spirit was there and using that as a way to free the slaves and fooling them into thinking there was a god, the god the one the slaves were taken away from in the first place. Moses may have known where they were taken away from and who they belonged to because he was hiding inside the walls all the time, listening to secrets and how they charmed the snakes or who they learned it from and all the different places they went to get certain herbs and the people they dealt with who were slave traders and these people had been taken away from their families and Moses knew where they belonged.
But Moses went away and was never seen or heard from again and these people were free but they lived under the spell of what happened to them and what they were exposed to on a daily basis and once they were free they were as cruel to others as others had been to them.
Now I don’t know if Moses was god or pretended to speak to god and when he was done freeing the people he returned to Vatican City which is what may have been called heaven. Everything that is considered of value was taken here and left as an offering to god and payments for the taking of kingdoms were made here. This was gods vault and if god is still alive this is where he lives and hides out and drinks the holy waters that give him eternal life and he was just a man but a man who knows the mysteries of this world because he has been around so long, he and his closest brothers or lovers. Alter boys who became their lovers and they have kept them around and they share the holy waters together with one another and all those who give their souls, their body to him willingly and promise not to tell the secrets of Vatican City becomes a part of the brotherhood and are given eternal life and even if they die, if they are given this water they can come back, and it transforms them back into a younger man.
Now that’s the level of my mental health, if god is still alive this is how it would happen. And this water was meant to be shared with all. But because god was so greedy and jealous and hateful and spiteful he keep it for him and his closest and denies it to others because we don’t deserve the same things and n life as him, because in his mind he is the greatest, maybe because he has been around so long and killed all those who were older so he could be the eldest and inherit all the treasures of the city and block the waters so they want flow freely throughout the world.
If god is still alive he would have to prove it, and how would he do that, and who would believe him without proof and what kind of proof would he need to get people to believe that he is the god that the Bible speaks of and still how would he prove it and how many would believe him and how would he convince us to believe him because of all the trickery of others. Who and how many would believe him just because he said so so that they would inherit everlasting life in the city that is called heaven.
Well this is how I deal with death, trying to think of a way that we can live forever like the Bible says. Or was the Bible an empty promise to others that were used to fight for a king who was so mad at everyone he wanted them all dead if they would not allow him to have his way, he was spoiled and selfish and used to getting what he wanted because of who his father was. But because he was so privileged he didn’t even respect his father mother wife children or none were shown respect by this one who called himself a god. He truly was or is the god of death hell and destruction. He was so horrible people still talk about him with fear and trembling and talk about him as if they personally know him, have had a conversation with someone they know beyond the shadow of doubt was the one and only god. Not the voices in the head thing and not the what was written in a book thing and not who says this and whom said that but what do you know to ge a fact. If you have no proof whatsoever about this one that was called god and if you have never visited heaven and Lazarus could not leave hell, stop trying to convince me that it is all real.
And don’t wish hell on me either, it may be better, heaven sounds boring as hell. But hell where all the parties will be, heaven will be bowing and worship at the feet of another for eternity, talk about being full of oneself.
Hell no rules no boundaries, no death, no bowing all day long to another, and singing praise to that deity all the time, none stop, damn get over yourself already. I don’t want to worship anyone, hell I didn’t have to stay bowed before mama and daddy all day damn if I want to stay on my hands and knees bowed before the king nonstop with no end in sight, push the damn button and let me buss hell wide open. Power to let the fear of death go while I live. Power to respect life the most important thing on this planet. Power to stay away from cults that worship death every Sunday and Wednesday and Friday and Monday and every morning thanks is given to those that have caused hurt harm and death to others for no reason other than to have what they have and to take it all away and kidnap children and take over with the wives like king David did, he had a man killed who fought for him just so he could possess his wife. And we still worship that shit and it continues to spread like wildfires and people are turned against each other and bam, next thing you know, you living under the rules of another and still not being allowed to think for yourself and are still looked down upon because you are not colored a certain color and are not from a certain demographic area and you play along at the fact that you have the ability to think and act for self but really all your rights have simply been shifted and now it’s in the name of god and those that are willing to kill like him and take what they want, but they must first create confusion and illusions of what can be, this heaven you will inherit but you have to allow killing in mass numbers in order to enter in. Hell to the no, delusional thoughts are soon to follow and now what once was is no more and I’m told my ancestors are not worthy to be remembered but yours are...
I want reread looking for mistakes, I’m parked outside the emergency room waiting on my neighbor. Covid-19 continues to plague many...
