Covid caught up to me

I been under isolation since February 24th because I tested positive for Rona virus. When the doctor told me I was positive I was in disbelief at first, kinda like no, but I have been home and wearing a mask when I go out and washing my hands so much my cuticles are splitting and raw. I sat there feeling blank and then I said Dr Makori I was sure it would be negative and she said so did I. She told me not to bother about checking out just leave and bypass the check out counter. I took the stairs trying to keep my composure because I was already nervous and fearing the possible worse, I always do. 

The ride home seemed extra long, long enough for my mind to play with me, I started panicking as I drove home, so I pulled over in the driveway of a church and texted my family to let them know I was having an attack. I had already texted them to let them know I was positive. They had all been here the day before because someone had broken open my door and left it open. I'm thinking maybe they walked in on Roscoe and he want having it. I hate to point fingers but something in my spirit tells me it was my over friendly neighbor who made his way there as soon as he saw Bridgette pulling up. Coco pulled up with me and noticed the open door as well. He then came out to his front porch and started talking across here to them. They here a lot and he don't usually come over trying to talk. On his way out of the yard he says to me, so Ms Carol are you having a good day or a bad day. And I said, my days are always good, I'm not gone allow anyone to steal my joy and he walked off and I never mentioned to him my house was broken into. 

My neighbor came by to and she was here, but when I told her I tested positive for covid she down played it as if she was not concerned with catching it even though she to was here the day before. I have asked her on numerous occasions did she have it and she said no, but she was sick a while back, congested and coughing for a while. If she had it and crossed her fingers and lied and came around me and my grandchildren knowingly that's on her. She told me her pastor had the virus and was at church and kept it from the congregation, she says she heard it thru the grapevine he was positive. My other neighbor tested positive and I was around him, he was honest about having it and made sure he let me know what was going on, if you have the virus be honest and let people decide if they wanna expose their selves to it,don't make life altering decisions for others with your fingers crossed. Do crossing the fingers cancel the lie, because if I find out she lied to me and knowing close me to the virus and then hide it, well she want be getting an invite to breakfast with me and my grandchildren anymore. That delete any trust I have for a person ho would knowing expose me to such a horrible virus. 

My nerves have been rattled since I found out I have the virus, I know I'm have to die one day, and there is nothing I can do to run from death forever, but I try hard not to allow death to rule me because one day death will win and will consume me and I want be here anymore. But what can I do in the mean time to stop drinking from the well of fear and doubt with so much going on around me. I pray about it on a daily basis for power to overcome my fears and not to allow them to overwhelm me, but it's not easy. 

I was having hot and cold chills and my headached all over along with my neck and shoulders and back, I was thinking it was because I'm have not had any of my sinus meds so I called CVS to see if I could get a refill, can I get a refill, can I get a reeee, reeee, reeeefill but was told I had no more refills and they would reach out to my doctor. Next day nothing, so I called the office and was told I had to come in to see the doctor because it had been a while since I had been in to see her and I told them I had been exposed to the virus and bam, I tested positive, damn. 

Now I no longer worry about catching it, just will I survive it. I get tired and wore out real easy. I give out of breath quickly and my chest and throat feel scratchy and I'm congested and coughing up mucus. And trying hard not to worry about dying from covid-19. But just in case I do. Life has been a bit of a challenge to me, I have felt love from few and hate from many. I have what I call fake friends who I feel don't really like me as much as I like them. But I can't say how someone else loves, it's like the love of God that we constantly hear about but I'm yet to read any love he showed towards others in the bible, those are the kind of friends I seem to have, and because they are christian I can understand why they are blinded by fabrications of love and express hate without saying a word.

I know I'm not a prize to have, but if I don't like you, imma keep my distance. Many people stay close for various reasons with someone that they really don't like. I remember this woman from my hometown who was always at this particular womans house, exercising with her and her family, everyday she was at her house, leaving her husband and children and spending time with them. The woman got pregnant by this womans husband and the wife packed up and took her children and left, it was not long before this woman left her husband and children and moved into her friend's house. Everyone that smiles in your face is not your friend, she lucky the bitch didn't Rebecca her. I know y'all know Rebecca of the bible. Boy oh boy the things we allow into our lives, the culture of the bible is to much for me, I see nothing but mass murder and hatred and evil kinda like I was in a cult. It is frightening to think of what others are capable of doing, I rather know you don't like me than to have you hanging around me with ill will towards me. It's cool if you don't like me, I rather know so I can decide if I wish to be in the company of a person who don't really have my back.