I feel like a failure

I'm a failure to myself, I quit school inn the eighth grade not because I was pregnant but because I hated school. I did go back to get my GED later on so I could find work. I quit job after job because they were not the right feel for me, or simply put I did not like them. I have cleaned, babysat, restaurants, convence stores, cafeteria, hospitals, nursing homes, home health, doctors office. Of all the jobs I have worked on in my life, I fell in love with the doctors off, but it didn't work out. I went back to school trying hard to get my LPN license, didn't work out. Why me I ask on numerous occasions, I finally find something I really love and it all falls apart, not my doing. If I had my way I would still be working at family practice of Monticello or Dr Lynn and Dr Koshy, but it didn't work out for me, and I tell myself it's because I'm a complete failure. 

I have damn near had to get on my knees and beg people just to give me a fucking job only to quit because I really didn't like it. Or that may have not been the case. I have found jobs over and over again and didn't really like them, but there was something special about working in the medical field. I really did love working there and helping others as much as I could, I felt like I was making a positive difference in the life of another. But maybe it was just me and it was not meant for me, because so many people are still in that field, maybe it was really me who was only thinking I made a difference and that was not really the case. Maybe I was horrible at it and horrible to others the reason Lisa B let me go from Dr Lynn office. I really thought I was trying hard to do my best. She called me to her office and she let me go with no real reason other than work was slow which was a lie. In my mind I was trying hard to do my best, be punctual and show respect, but I lost that job to. I ask myself over and over what did I do wrong that time. There have been other jobs I have worked on that I did like, but like is an understatement when I say how much working in the doctors office meant to me. 

I'm fifty four and I feel burnt out, like I can barely make it into another day. I don't want to leave home, I don't like talking to others that much, I just want to sit alone and do no more than I want to. I'm hoping to soon pull myself up by the ears and find a new passion because I can't afford to much of nothing let alone school. I would like to get my medical assistant license but I don't even have the mind and I can't even stay focused these days because I feel so burned out from life and all of the events I have lived thru from August 27th to this present time where I sit and type this to myself hoping and praying I can find a passion that fits me.

Got damn some of a bitch, now my eyes burning and nose running because of the fucking tears. Stop crying bitch, it's my own got damn fault I'm a failure. I don't wanna be around others, people make me feel uncomfortable, I feel they judge me just as much as I judge them. I'm constantly afraid I will say the wrong thing and hurt someone feelings or piss them off. If I were to be honest with others as brutally as I am with myself I may get a bullet to the temple. So I may as well keep to myself and not risk turning a otherwise good person into a killer. I can be a bit to judgemental, we all got an opinion about others which is why we falling over shit left in the floor, under the rug, in the closet, under the mattress. I'm trying hard to make me my own focus point these day. Christianity taught me to condemn others for simply living. Removing those ways from my data bank is not easy, we all have ways that are not accepted by everyone. As long as no one was brutally attacked because of their opinion and slaughtered with hands behind back, hands up don't shoot, knee to the neck, bag over head, selling drugs or water bottles. All acceptable slaughters of others based on ones believe that their life is more important than another's because of color of skin of the color of the uniform they were wearing at the time the knee was placed on the neck for almost ten minutes. Not to mention the ones who were slaughtered while in the privacy of their own home some even in bed, slaughtered by someone and has been acceptable by the standards of the bible for decades. People converted to Christianity trying hard to be accepted only to be hanged in trees based on the color of their skin. The bible has so many killings I wonder why people are so blinded by the real contents of the bible all while professing love. I can't see love in the scriptures of the bible, only hatred, murder, white supremacists, slaughters and genocides and raping of minds and taking the virgins so they can treat them worse than the animals. 

I can only imagine what Moses and his army of men must have done to those young girls after killing everyone else. Drunken soldiers with the freedom to rape and torture them anyway they saw fit and we still worship this crap like a demonic cult, mad because it is no longer accepted in the schools. I'm glad that history book is banned from school, I want be the one to tell anyone who they should worship, but don't tell me who I have to worship. The underworld, the dark ages still the driving forces used to bring down nations and to devide families.