I’m a nuisance

 I’m a nuisance and I know it, I haven’t always know that I was pushy and love to have my way and hate taking no for an answer. I thought I was ok, but when I reflect back over my life I realize why no one wanted to be bothered with me.

I was clingy and needy and loved to play and was always laughing and trying to make others play with me when they didn’t want to be bothered. I didn’t pay attention to the constant get away from me, leave me alone, I don’t like you at all. I didn’t hear it when someone told me no, I could not understand the N or the O as a child I just wanted to play and have my way. I took those ways into my adulthood and did not like the word no and would keep on asking over and over again trying hard to have it my way. Classic example, I was at this person house one day and two people came over to get her to go and get them some weed and she and I had wanted to play spades but we needed two more people and bam, here they are. So I asked them to play spades and they replied they didn’t want to and I did not want to hear that, just one game and I even followed them outside to their car and sat in the backseat and asked them please and pleaded with them for a few minutes and they continued with the no and finally said they would have played but they have to get back to the children. I said why you didn’t tell me that in the first place and I apologize for holding them up and got out the car and closed the door and they drove off. It did not matter what they had going on, no means no. When I look back on the moment they drove off I bet they said finally, damn she wore some as hell, I thought she want gone ever leave us the hell alone. That’s not the only incident where I did not respect another person and didn’t care about their feelings all I cared about was having my way. 

I often beat myself down for my errors and I am my own worse critic when I make mistakes or do something wrong. At the moment I may not see it as wrong but later on I may ask myself what the hell I was thinking and then I proceeded to beat myself down because in my mind I’m the only person on this planet who is supposed to be perfect and spotless and no blemishes and you better not hiccups it might get you a lick, everyone deserves forgiving but me. Im trying hard to accept the fact I’m human and prone to error and it’s ok to forgive myself for not being perfect regardless of who want forgive me, power to forgive myself and keep on growing and learning until I’m fully mature.